Tag Archives: motherhood

A Love Letter

26 Apr

Life is a journey. Over the past couple of years I’ve written mostly about my journey throughout life, globe hopping to all these neat untrodden little niches in the World. I’ve recently begun the next diversion in my journey, and this time its not about the physical or geographic ‘places’ I am going that defines my present journey. I recently became a mother.

As we’ve all heard before, “children are our greatest teachers”. I hadn’t really internalized what that exactly means until I was about 34 weeks pregnant and then really when I birthed my baby boy just 8 weeks ago. I don’t really know what my child(ren) will teach me, I only know what I’ve only begun learning. There are a few life lessons that he has already begun teaching me and that I will share with you through a series of posts over the next several months.

Before I get started on that, I wanted to begin with a letter that I started to compose for my son just a couple of weeks after he was born. I have waffled on how to go about keeping a diary for him. I acquired a paper journal and attempted to write to him but the words just didn’t flow from the pencil as smoothly as they do on the keyboard. So I started a folder of word documents as a “diary”. And in the end I’ve decided to use this blog as the medium for my diary to Kai. The relationship between a mother and a child is an intimate one and I debated whether or not I should share it with the world, but really it is one of the most beautiful aspects of being human and if the intimate journey I share with my son can inspire just a little something in someone else – or even do so much as make someone smile – then I know I have done right by sharing it with the World. I may not ALWAYS post blogs that comprise my diary to Kai but from time to time I will, and likely most of what I write over then next year will largely be characterized by him and my journey as a new mother. I hope you enjoy the ride with ‘us’!

Color image of sweet baby Kai

Dear sweet baby Kai,
I write this on the day that you turned just four weeks old – and have come back to finish it on the day you turned just eight weeks old. Over the past several months I have “written” hundreds of letters to you but this one has finally gotten my physical fingers on the keyboard. I have so many things I want to share with you and I am so very grateful that we have a lifetime to share together.

You are the child I have wanted and dreamt about my whole life. You are the baby that your father and I have daydreamed about having together for the past 9 years. You are beautiful in every way. You are perfect in my eyes. The moment I felt the crown of your head and your hair as you came through the birth canal, I knew I’d be forever in love with you. When you were brought up onto my chest with the umbilical cord still pulsing I was so overcome with happiness… words can’t give justice to the vastness of emotions and love that I felt at that moment and that I know will be with me forever now that you are a part of my life. To have felt you skin on skin the moment you were born was so incredible. Today I held you in my arms skin on skin and felt completely fulfilled and content – and you were just so happy drinking warm sweet milk, that moment could have lasted forever. I love you.

You came into this world with your eyes wide open and your voice being heard. The world is a magical place – sweet, beautiful, sour, and scary albeit. You will need to use your third eye, intuition, to survive and also to realize all that you desire to become. You will need to use your strong voice as you actively work to make way for a better, more just and equitable, humanity. I am already proud of you regardless of all you’re yet to share with the world in a lifetime. I love you.

Your father and I have so many little dreams of the things we will do together and share with you. You make our life complete in a way I never could have imagined. We can’t wait to play with you in the front yard at our home in Costa Rica, play with the butterflies and show you the hummingbirds and toucans around the yard. We will dig into the Earth together in our gardens here in DC and at our other home in Costa Rica. We will smell and taste the Earth together. We will sow seeds together, and we will nurture them into fresh organic foods. We will cultivate harmony and balance. I love you sweet Kai.

I can’t wait for you to interact, engage with, other babies and children – as we can show you the way to kindness. We are already sharing with you our kindness – and both your Nanna and Grandpa have shared their love and kindness with you. We could see how deeply you already trusted them in your first moments in their arms. You already have a special bond with both your Nanna and Grandpa that will last a lifetime. They could not have been any happier, for them becoming grandparents is a new diversion in their life’s journey as well. And your Great Nanna just can’t wait to hold you in her arms! Just a couple more weeks!

We can’t wait to take you to the beach for the first time, put your gorgeous little toes in the soft sand and introduce you to the ocean, tropical palms, and almond trees that surround the sea. We can’t wait for you to meet your Abuela Lissette, for her to give you all her love… which she can hardly contain when we video call Costa Rica. You have a very proud and incredibly loving Abuela – and family – waiting for you a few thousand miles away. I love you sweet Kai.

There are also so many moments we can’t wait to share with you in the United States, here in DC and elsewhere. Your daddy is itching to get you on the soccer field and teach you all he knows, there is already a soccer ball waiting for you! Everyday we talk about all the adventures you two will have together over the next year, and beyond of course. Reading stories, learning to smile, laugh, and play. Learning the ways of gentle play. Cultivating kindness with the other babies at Moon Garden. Infancy is heaven on Earth sweet Kai. I love you.

We are so deeply grateful that we have the means and opportunity for you to spend the next year with your daddy during the day, it is just so amazing and I couldn’t be happier. I promise to give you my undivided attention when I am at home in the morning, evenings, and weekends. Our time together is so very precious and I feel so much joy in giving you my love. My greatest promise to you is to give and teach you love, kindness, and peace.

I love you sweet Kai, forever and with all of my heart.
Your Mama

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Finding New Strength

10 Jan

Color painting of mother and child with gunBeing a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know exist.
– Linda Wooten

It’s 2013, a new year.  A time to start off fresh.  Far too much time has lapsed since I’ve last written.  I once again find myself inspired to write, in fact I’ve been missing writing.  It’s a kind of creative sounding board for me personally, and I really enjoy reading the feedback I receive from my friends and readers.

The past seven months have been quite a whirlwind.  So much evolution and change in such a short time.  And the most significant of those changes has yet to be revealed.  I could rehash all that has come about in my life, and the world, in the past year but it wouldn’t accomplish much.  At this moment, my mind is occupied with all the change that is about to unfold in my life and how I will manage to “fit” it all in to the measly 24 hours we get in a day.  And then I start to think about how all the women that came before me did it.  *Sigh*

It brings me back to one of the many grounding experiences of my life – Esteli, Nicaraguaga.  It is the third largest city in all of Nicaragua.  It’s an eclectic place that really doesn’t see many foreigners or tourists, or at least that was Esteli 10 years ago when I was there.  The town’s motto pretty much sums it up – “Lover of the present. Builder of the future.”  But what really brings me back to Esteli is how it’s history has redefined life, and despite the bloodshed has brought forth a new found strength and resilience in the people.  Esteli was the scene of perilous fighting during the Somoza regime and again during the U.S.-backed Contra War.  The lands outside of the city boundary are still riddled with land mines and the ghosts of wars past regrettably live on.

As we made our way through the city’s gritty streets and alley ways, we gleaned nuggets of hope and strength.  We played soccer with a group of kids playing on a field of dirt with a ball that was made of plastic bags tightly packed together & wrapped with string and tape.  We found beauty in the paintings and graffiti that adorned cement walls throughout the city, the very cement walls that served as a fortress for people’s homes during the recent wars.  And then one day we wound-up at a local women’s organization where we were given a “tour” of the center and learned through the testimony of one woman – how women survived and  even thrived in the war.  In Esteli, unlike in many parts of Latin America and the world, women are seen a bit differently.  They are respected for their strength and perseverance at a kind of unspoken kind of higher level.  Why?  What makes Esteli’s perspective of women different?  The difference lies in the impact that its history has had on shaping daily life.  During both recent wars in Esteli, most often the men went off to war in the rural areas and the women remained at home with the children to defend their homes & children while the war raged on right in the city boundaries.  Women, mothers, were armed with AK-47s – just as the men were.  There was very little that differentiated the roles of men and women during a decade and a half of bloodshed.   Women grew stronger than ever before – not just in fighting – but in standing-up for their rights.  In owning their individual personal power.

Days like today when I feel overwhelmed and wonder how on earth am I going to “do it all” in just a couple of months.  I stop and think about the women of Esteli.  They have endured far more than I will likely ever have to – or maybe its similar but just in a different time, place and form.  I think of these women, mothers, that came before me.  Many that had to face the blood of their children, husbands, and family members right before their eyes.  Many that endured the other ugly parts of war like rape, lost limbs, and hunger.  While I may not be from Nicaragua, I am forever grateful to these women.  The examples they have set for me, and all of us, are invaluable – especially now as I take this next giant leap in my life.  Their strength and resilience is simply inspiring.

Below is a visual “tour” through some of the streets of Esteli and the wall artwork that gives the city a most unique identity and essence.  Start with the painting at the top of the blog and slowly work your eyes through the images.  Enjoy!

Wall painting on finghting for freedom

Corner in bloom with graffiti

Wall painting of children building a new future

 

wall art of children coming together

Wall painting in color on human rights

Wall painting of women's strength rising

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