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Art of Desire

23 Dec

monks-dawn

I’ve ruminated a great deal over the past year, some thoughts I’ve published to this blog and others I’ve kept in my heart where they belong. At this juncture I feel compelled to write one last post before we complete this orbit around the sun.

2016 will be forever carved into my soul as a year of nothing less than monumental change. It was a year of polarities and my breaking the most critical silences. This year was characterized by the greatest losses, heartbreak, and grief I’ve yet to experience. At the same time it brought forth some of the greatest gifts in love and spiritual freedom I’ve ever received. There is truth to the fact that at times you have to give something up to gain something far superior. I had to lose nearly everything I knew in order to gain everything unknown. I surrendered control over my life and learned what trusting my spirit really is about. Desiring only what is within me.

This year brought into me a river of truths that I’ve allowed to come in with natural vigor, and  flow out more polished and authentic than ever. It began with some of the most raw and harsh truths I’ve ever faced. I had become so disconnected with my spirit, it was languishing. I was both blind and deaf to all that surrounded me. I could not see the elephant that was before me and beside me day-in and day-out until one day the blindfold was hastily removed, revealing the harsh reality. Resuscitating my spirit began with me. I had no choice but to confront these strident truths with conviction and courage I didn’t know existed inside. One day the battle stopped, and I chose to see myself the way the Universe created me, to shine. Instead of battling in resistance like the bull in a china shop that I can be, I accepted a gift of grace and learned to embrace them with love and empathy.

Following some of the rather tumultuous events this year, a dense fog set-in, paralyzing me for a time, and making it difficult to navigate and make decisions. With hours and days of reflection, introspection, and guidance I was able to clear out years of debris and spider webs that cluttered and acidified my soul, bringing forth the most crystalline clarity I’ve ever known. This clearing away of the past, took months of intentional and deliberate work. It meant digging back into more than 10 years of painful memoirs, engraving their lessons in my heart, finding peace in their pang, and finally laying them to rest once and for all. It brought me back to my heart and gave me the courage to trust my spirit to guide me in this new phase of my life. I discovered my cardinal direction to move forward gallantly into the unknown. To desire only what is meant for me.

I do not know what the future holds, nor do I desire to predict it. I am perfectly content with what the moment is today, I found new beauty and solace in the ambiguity. I do know that life is full of challenges, tribulations, and from time to time catastrophes. These can not be prevented or mitigated in their entirety. All I can do is be better prepared to weather life’s storms.

As I look back at year where I both lost and gained everything, I am compelled to put a mark in time on the virtues that I must carry into this new chapter of life.

  • Always trade your expectations for appreciation.
  • Keep your spirit open to the gifts of the divine.
  • Be open to your secret desires to be ravished.
  • Glow with the light of your spirit.
  • Laugh abundantly.
  • Manifest wisely.
  • Give love with your hands behind your back.
  • Love heart forward.
  • Let love in.

As I bid 2016 farewell and welcome 2017 with an open heart, words can not begin to express the gratitude I feel. I vow to take time each day for silence, to nurture and keep myself alive in whatever form that may take. To desire only what is present. This moment forward my heart is light, love abounds, and my spirit free.

elephant_ravished

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Reflecting on a Year of Change

26 Oct

I’ve found myself in a moment of flying solo and I am at a loss of what to do. Where is Kai? Where is K? Where are Venus, Isis, Zeus, Tico, and Luna? I have an endless list of To Dos for work but I can’t bring myself “to do” them at this precise moment. So here I am FLYING SOLO at an altitude of over 10,000 feet. Its been nearly 8 months since I’ve posted here. I’m not sure which adventure to share with you, since there have been so many. So this may have to be a mash-up.

The past 11 months of our new life have been wonderful in so many ways. We love our little place in paradise. Long walks on dirt roads down to the river gorge below our house. Planting lots of lush ginger, heliconias, fruit trees, herbs, and flowers at our Finca Tolomuca. We’ve been going lots of little adventures whenever we can. Fridays at the Farmers Market. Saturdays at the beach. Sundays in the rainforest. Not exactly like that all the time but you get the gist. Life here is quite simply WHOLE. Its not perfect. Its not a utopia. Because life is just not perfect. We laugh more. We play more. We work hard. And we are genuinely happy.

I truly feel as though we are giving Kai the best childhood a kid could have. He has a community at Arco Iris that just adore him. He talks about his friends all the time. He spends quality time with K and I everyday. He gets to run free outside below the magical higueron trees everyday, feel the sun touch his cheeks. He’s found his love for painting, playing music, signing, and dancing. He discovered a passion for cooking yummy treats like pancakes and muffins. We live life in ways we couldn’t before. This is what childhood is all about.

Home Sweet Home! Atenas

I love where we live and I love the place we now call home. Atenas is genuine. It is simply beautiful and an amazing place to just be.

Tapanti

Imagine yourself completely enrobed in pristine tropical rainforests as far at the eye can see. Land that no man has ever stepped foot on. Water so pure and fresh. A single tree exploding with life on each branch and each life. The earthy aroma of fresh rain. Waterfalls that caress the rocks. Rain drops that cleans you from the inside even in the dry season. Embrace nature, purity, and peace. Embrace Tapanti.

 

Punta Leona

This is our go-to place to escape and decompress, and become one with the ocean. Nothing says meditation in motion better than a long run at sunrise under the rainforest canopy. And then there are the afternoon rains by Playa Mantas, heaven on earth for a toddler! Nothing symbolizes happiness for us then the place we got married. Then you sip a freshly made pina colada and start singing that song, if you like pina coladas getting caught in the rain… Oh yes we do! And that sums up Punta Leona in a nutshell.

Rio Celeste

Misty clouds envelope the lush green mountainscape surrounding the notorious Rio Celeste (or Sky Blue River). You’ve heard the stories about the endangered Tapirs that roam these rain forests, and you think that you just might see one creeping between the palms and clouds in the distance. Ops my imagination has gotten then best of me once again! Then there are the absolutely divine French-Tico fusion cuisine at one of my favorite mountain lodges of all time, Celeste Mountain Lodge, which is by far the BEST food I’ve ever had in Costa Rica. Kai just loved running free through the gardens and playing with the other kids. After that its off to Parque Nacional Vulcan Tenorio to see and experience the splendor of Rio Celeste and the pristine jungle that keeps it pure and beautiful. We hired a guide for our 5 hour jungle hike to learn about nature, and so glad that we did!

Playa Langosta

Want open ocean and white sand beaches on the Pacific that extend as far as the eye can see? Then Playa Langosta is the place for you. Nothing quite compares to rolling around in the waves and sand for a couple of days, playing in a river that flows to the ocean with your toddler, or taking walks along a trail to search out Iguanas. Then there is the all-you-can-eat buffets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Indulgent best describes a getaway to Playa Langosta!

La Paz Waterfall Gardens

Last but certainly not least is the one and only La Paz Waterfall Gardens! Want to trek through untouched cloud forest? Do you yearn to feel the cool mist of pure mountain water cascade down rocks in the rain forest? Then this is the place for you. To top it off you will have the opportunity to play with rescued Toucans and have them rest on your arm. How cool is that? We love this place, especially for kids and whenever we have friends and family visiting. It is a place we can come back to again and again just for a fun day in nature and for a reminder of Costa Rican traditions.

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Trials and Tribulations of Selling in the 202

30 Jan

Cherry_Blossoms_HomeThe past six months of my life have been mostly consumed with the whole process of preparing to move. It really started February 2014 when we renovated our full bathroom, which was a necessary first step towards the process of selling our house. The house preparation and selling saga continued though most of January 2015, all the meanwhile we were living in our house. From new carpet installation which meant that all the 2nd floor furniture had to be moved down to the first floor and then back up again – fun! Later we moved onto the glory of granite counter top installation, a new sink, sealing & sealing again the new counter tops, and finally it came down to touch-up paint and cleaning until your fingers literally bleed. Then came the initial phase of packing to “thin out” the stuff in the house and make it look like no one actually lives there. In the midst of this, wee proceeded to get one of our beloved kitties through the USDA paperwork process and then sent down to Costa Rica with my father since we will only be allowed one cat per person when we finally move. Opp and then its on to staging, because of course the house has to look like it came out of Better Home and Garden Magazine with a perfectly chic interior, complete with perfectly *fake* red apples, *plastic* orchids framing out the kitchen, and always poofed couch pillows. Blahh! That is just another part of the real estate game in the 202 (in DC proper). Needless to say but there is nothing sexy about preparing a house for sale , especially when you are working full-time and have a toddler, 3 cats, and a very special dog to take keep happy.

Then came the whole listing process. Ugh. Average days on the market on Capitol Hill is about 6 days, which seems Garden_Homecompletely doable when living in what is close to a museum with a toddler, 2 cats, and a very special dog. Except for us it turned into 66 days on the market. What does that mean? That means several times a day you get a text message and stop everything you are doing at a moment’s notice to…

  1. Viciously clean the house and make sure it looks museum perfect.
  2. Get the dog into the car.
  3. Get the baby ready, no matter if he is napping or hungry or needs a diaper change.
  4. Get out the door.
  5. Find something to do for the next 1-2 hours depending on how long the showing is. No matter how cold you are or hungry or tired or sick or anything else. You have to be out of the house.
    – We walked and we walked and we walked. In the sun, in the cold, and in the rain, we walked.
    – We sat in the car for hours on Saturday and Sunday nights when it was raining or too cold to walk.
    – We left the dog in the car and got dinner and then sat in the car while we ate dinner.
    – For months our weekends evolved around doing only things you can do with a dog like go to the farm, go to a walking park, hiking, and anything else outdoors. That was probably the highlight of the whole process.
  6. Now repeat and do this all over again 2-3 times a day for 66 days while working a full-time job.

Home_SnowI am not going to put lipstick on a pig. It sucked big time. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to give us back the time we lost with the damn showings. There were even times in this rather horrible process where our son was playing at a special activity across town and my husband had to literally pick him up and run out of the place to get home before a very short notice showing. I mentioned earlier that we have a special dog, well he is the sweetest and most amazing dog with us (his 3 humans) but he is scared to death of strangers and scared dogs bite. So getting the dog out of the house before a showing was absolutely critical.

Throughout the 66 days there were a lot of “close calls” in getting an offer, a lot of interested buyers but in the end they didn’t choose our house. Finally at a point of desperation, and at the point of basically giving up, we finally got an offer and for asking price. Talk about a sigh of relief. Then came the anxiety of the home inspection, which is stressful when you have a historic home that is nearly 120 years old. At the end of the day a house is not sold until it is sold. On the financing and underwriting process, right in the middle of the holidays. If you guessed delays and an uncertain closing date, you were right! Could any more stress and anxiety be added to this process? I guess so. But FINALLY we closed.

To top it off, right in the midst of this home selling process I also had a major job and professional transition with no Kai in Snowvacation time in-between. I am not going to kid you, selling your first home is also emotional even if you bought almost exclusively for investment purposes. We made this home ours. We poured endless time and energy into making it beautiful. We planted the tulip bulbs, daffodils, and cherry blossom tree that bloom every spring. We’ve shared endless dinners at this house with friends and family. This house is filled with memories that can never be relived. It is the home we brought our baby home to. And now it is going to be someone else’s home.

Then its on to the actual moving process but I will save that for another post. 🙂

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Restless at 3 Years

19 Jul

I have come to find a pattern in myself, and also in that of a few of my colleagues.  I develop a deep seated sense of restlessness when I near the 3 year marker in any professional trajectory.  There is just something inside me that tells me it is time to move on and find my next endeavor, the next challenge, the next place to make my mark and leave a legacy.  I am there now.  I feel it in my heart, in my veins.  At the same time, I feel as though there are so many loose ends that I need to tidy up, put the final touches on some projects.  There is always more work to be done, more ways something (no, everything!) can be made better, more effective, more accurate.  But my 3 years in this endeavor are coming to a close.

I am ready, unlike ever before.  It’s not that I am unhappy.  Rather I truly enjoy the everyday challenge of my work.  I believe in the mission and find it completely satisfying.  But this transition is different than all prior, I have been cognizant that this time is coming and instead of resisting it, I have chosen to embrace it.  I have been planning for it like I never have before, maybe thats what happens when you become experienced in managing transitions?

I have found camaraderie among several colleagues in our shared sense of restlessness when he hit the 3 year threshold of a given job.  We share this inherent sense that its time to move on, to invest our time and energy in some other endeavor.  We spend the first 6 months focused on learning, absorbing the new endeavor and all its nuances, then we chart out our roadmap for how we are going to leave it better than it was when came.

This time around, the restlessness is different than it was before.  While I am excited about what lies ahead professionally, I have also made very deliberative decisions that are unlike those in the past.  I have put health and family first.  My number one priority is a better quality of life for my family and I.  That means so many things… working less; loving more; laughing more; smiling more; cooking more; painting more; making music more; running more; meditating more; and so many other things that are not traditional working.  Am I going to continue to work?  Absolutely yes!  All of the “work” I do are intellectual and creative outlets for my restless soul.  While I have achieved a much better work life balance, I have not yet gotten into the right balance.

A few guiding zen words as I move on in this transition of sorts…

  1. Do one thing at a time
  2. Do it slowly and deliberately
  3. Do it completely
  4. Do less
  5. Put space between things
  6. Develop rituals
  7. Designate time for certain things
  8. Devote time to sitting
  9. Smile and serve others
  10. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation
  11. Think about what is necessary
  12. Live simply

Color photo of Peruvian child with llama

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Kai Discovers Spring – and Dirt!

10 Apr

I love the changing of the seasons.  And I really love the two transitional seasons – Spring and Fall.  This time last year Kai was just one month old.  While I have no doubt that he loved everything about Spring, I also realize that he wasn’t ready to discover what spring time is all about.  What a difference a year makes!  This is by far the most “fun” Spring I can remember since my childhood, I hardly know where to begin.

This past Sunday we rolled up our sleeves and worked on our garden.  We had been looking forward to this for well over a month since winter had decided to stick around a few extra weeks this year.  The first day in the garden is one of my favorite days of the year.  I love the smell of the Earth, the way it feels in my fingers.  I love spring planting.  Digging holes and finding all sorts of earth worms and other natural “treasures”.  Even though my patch of paradise is in the midst of a concrete jungle, I feel connected to Earth when I work in the garden.

This year was better than all those past because we were able to introduce Kai to all this Spring and the Earth.  We brought him outside with us for the day while we worked and pretty much let him do his thing, it was awesome!  He took the garden completely naturally.  He started out by playing with the grass and leaves.  Then he crawled off of the blanket and started to pick blades of grass and put them in his bucket.  He watched us on and off as we did him.  We were busy planting flowers, herbs, and vegetables.  Next thing I know he had the garden spade in his hand and he was digging in the dirt, filling-up his bucket and dumping it out. t was at this point that we brought him over to big bed and let him play in all the dirt.  He loved it! He laughed and played, putting his hand in the Earth and lifting them up so he could feel the fresh dirt between his fingers.  It was magical. It is Spring!

Enjoy the Spring photo journey.

Fountain Cherry in DC

 

Cherry Blossom

 

Spring Gardening

 

Discovering Spring and the Earth

 

Spring in Washington DC

 

Spring Serenity in a Concrete Jungle

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Connecting with our Roots

7 Mar

Like many others I have Native American blood running in my veins.  On first appearance I may look to be from one of Europe’s nordic lands but in reality I am as American as one can get with a diversity of blood lines.  The ancestry I’ve connected the most with throughout my life is of the various Native American tribes that make-up my being.  I’ve always felt a deep sense of connection with this part of my ancestry.

I have such fond memories of spending time with my father and Aunt Hunter on the reservations in northern Minnesota in the summers.  We would spend our days fishing in the lakes, building campfires in the evening, and listening the sounds of nature as we slept.  We also spent some of our days walking for miles and miles down dirt paths in search of the Wild Buffalo – and yes they do still exist.  I remember when we ran into a cowbird defending its territory and we sat and watched for what seemed like hours.  And one afternoon we stumbled upon a water moccasin cascading and slithering down the river where we had been fishing.  The list of memories could go on and on.

As a young girl I spent many weekends with my mother, grandparents, and other family members at Native American festivals.   We’d also savor all the delicious traditional cuisine – stew, fry bread, buffalo, and the list goes on.  We’d spend time with the rescued birds of prey, and we would weave baskets and other traditional crafts.  We’d make our own dreamcatchers adorned with beads and feathers, and carefully hung them above our beds or by windows at bedtime.  We would spend the days around the dance circling – watching, listening, feeling, and sometimes joining in.  There will always be something innate in me that will draw me into the song of the drum and flute, and the natural movement of Native American dance.  I still listen to my collection of Native American music regularly.  I found that when I was pregnant and even when Kai was a small baby, I would always play it for him too – reminding me to stay connected with my roots.

When I was in college I remained connected to this part of me through art, music, dance, and regular visits to a colleagues sweat lodge.  I drew and painted the rhythms that I felt as a child and young adult.  I cleansed my soul and being at my colleague’s sweat lodge.  And I still hold close to me a rock that was given to me at my last visit to the lodge before I embarked on my life’s journey down to Central America.

All of these memories of connecting with my roots hold a special place in my heart.

The first museum we took Kai to was the Smithsonian’s National Museum of the American Indian (by far my favorite!) when he was just a week old.  While I carried him in the ergo, I read him all of the ancient Native American creation stories throughout the museum.  It was a special moment with Kai, his Nanna, and I. This past October marked another special moment for my family and I, as we were able to introduce Kai to his roots by taking him to our local annual Native American festival.  There they played many of the same rhythms and danced similar dances in traditional attire.  Again it reminded me of where I come from – of where we all come from. Kai was mesmerized by the music and of course the traditional attire – feathers, beads, bells, and ornately decorated blankets.  He also tasted venison stew for the first time, was able to see a falcon up close, and even pet a horse.  Then I brought him into the center of the dance circle with all of the other children and together we danced the traditional bunny dance.  He smiled and smiled.  I was able to guide him in connecting with his roots for the very first time.

Baby Watching Traditional Native American Dance

There is a battle of two wolves inside us all.
One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.
The wolf that wins?  The one you feed.
– Cherokee Proverb


Traditional Native American Dancing and Song

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First Birthday Love Letter

27 Feb

Dear Sweet Baby Kai,

I write this just two days before your first birthday.  I look back on my life just one year ago and I remember so clearly the anticipation I felt, I couldn’t wait to meet you.  The remember the night that I went into labor.  I cooked a spicy Moroccan lamb stew and then I took Tico out on a long winter walk.  It was very cool but with you I walked and walked.  My body felt heavy, because it was, and it felt energizing to be walking.  I did this nearly every evening.  One year later and we still do it together, only now we get to sing songs while we walk and point out fun things along the way.  Sweet Kai, you bring so much joy to my life.

This year has been the best year of my life.  I have loved more this year than I have in my whole life, and I know I have a lifetime of love still to give you.  I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that you have chosen us as your parents.  Our life is filled with so much love.  Your are the most beautiful soul.

Those first days were both awkward and amazing.  I fumbled my way through changing your diapers and together we figured out the whole nursing thing.  For the record your Papa is far better at changing diapers than I am.  We have a special bond that only Mama and son can have through nursing.  I am so grateful that we figured it out, and you still love drinking the warm sweet milk I make just for you.  And when you do, you gaze lovingly into my eyes.  Sometimes you play with my hair, touch my face, and smile.  I love every minute of it.  It is one of those moments each day that I wish I could just press pause and savor forever.  But I can’t stop time.

mama baby moment

We have had so many great adventures this year.  Our greatest adventure has been the day-to-day moments of life together – all of your little milestones, your beautiful personality shining through, and your smile… it lights up every moment.  We have also done some amazing things together. We visited a farm where you got to pet a baby pig, goats, and peacocks.  We went to the botanical gardens and had a sleepover with your Padrino and Aunt Kristy.  We go hiking a lot where we enjoy all the intricacies and serenity that mother nature provides.  We travelled to Connecticut and Costa Rica to spend time with our family, they all ADORE you to pieces.  We explored the splendor of Italy together.  I could go on and on, there are so many more moments.

Mama kissing baby

Watching you grow and develop in the most beautiful little boy is the best part of my life.  I love it.  Watching and listening to you play with the pots and pans, and sometimes banging along with you! Its a blast. Seeing your fun interactions with Tico and the kitties, and your attempt to chase them is most entertaining.  Oh our little DC row house is just exploding with life! The adorable grunting sounds you make as you dodge through the house on your hands and knees at full speed.  Watch out World Kai is here! The sweet way that you give me kisses with your mouth wide open, and each kiss fills me with more love.  Our evening bath time is so much fun.  I never knew that I too could have so much fun in just a few inches of water.  I love the way you snuggle up with me at night while we sleep.  Oh sweet baby Kai, I could go on and on.  I’m in love.

As we approach this big milestone in just a couple of days, I want to pay tribute to this most incredible year.  I realize that life is always going to be amazing with you, but it is not ever going to be like our very first year together.  We can’t turn back the clocks or calendars.  We will never be able to re-live these milestones with you.  They are once in a lifetime memories. While I know that there are many more to come, I can’t help but shed a few tears knowing that this first year has come and gone so fast.  All that really matters sweet baby Kai is that I love you forever and ever.  You are my baby and you always will be.  You mean the World to me and I can’t wait to spend a lifetime with you.

Happy 1st birthday sweet baby Kai.

With all the love in my heart,
Your Mama

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