Tag Archives: growth

A Love Letter

26 Apr

Life is a journey. Over the past couple of years I’ve written mostly about my journey throughout life, globe hopping to all these neat untrodden little niches in the World. I’ve recently begun the next diversion in my journey, and this time its not about the physical or geographic ‘places’ I am going that defines my present journey. I recently became a mother.

As we’ve all heard before, “children are our greatest teachers”. I hadn’t really internalized what that exactly means until I was about 34 weeks pregnant and then really when I birthed my baby boy just 8 weeks ago. I don’t really know what my child(ren) will teach me, I only know what I’ve only begun learning. There are a few life lessons that he has already begun teaching me and that I will share with you through a series of posts over the next several months.

Before I get started on that, I wanted to begin with a letter that I started to compose for my son just a couple of weeks after he was born. I have waffled on how to go about keeping a diary for him. I acquired a paper journal and attempted to write to him but the words just didn’t flow from the pencil as smoothly as they do on the keyboard. So I started a folder of word documents as a “diary”. And in the end I’ve decided to use this blog as the medium for my diary to Kai. The relationship between a mother and a child is an intimate one and I debated whether or not I should share it with the world, but really it is one of the most beautiful aspects of being human and if the intimate journey I share with my son can inspire just a little something in someone else – or even do so much as make someone smile – then I know I have done right by sharing it with the World. I may not ALWAYS post blogs that comprise my diary to Kai but from time to time I will, and likely most of what I write over then next year will largely be characterized by him and my journey as a new mother. I hope you enjoy the ride with ‘us’!

Color image of sweet baby Kai

Dear sweet baby Kai,
I write this on the day that you turned just four weeks old – and have come back to finish it on the day you turned just eight weeks old. Over the past several months I have “written” hundreds of letters to you but this one has finally gotten my physical fingers on the keyboard. I have so many things I want to share with you and I am so very grateful that we have a lifetime to share together.

You are the child I have wanted and dreamt about my whole life. You are the baby that your father and I have daydreamed about having together for the past 9 years. You are beautiful in every way. You are perfect in my eyes. The moment I felt the crown of your head and your hair as you came through the birth canal, I knew I’d be forever in love with you. When you were brought up onto my chest with the umbilical cord still pulsing I was so overcome with happiness… words can’t give justice to the vastness of emotions and love that I felt at that moment and that I know will be with me forever now that you are a part of my life. To have felt you skin on skin the moment you were born was so incredible. Today I held you in my arms skin on skin and felt completely fulfilled and content – and you were just so happy drinking warm sweet milk, that moment could have lasted forever. I love you.

You came into this world with your eyes wide open and your voice being heard. The world is a magical place – sweet, beautiful, sour, and scary albeit. You will need to use your third eye, intuition, to survive and also to realize all that you desire to become. You will need to use your strong voice as you actively work to make way for a better, more just and equitable, humanity. I am already proud of you regardless of all you’re yet to share with the world in a lifetime. I love you.

Your father and I have so many little dreams of the things we will do together and share with you. You make our life complete in a way I never could have imagined. We can’t wait to play with you in the front yard at our home in Costa Rica, play with the butterflies and show you the hummingbirds and toucans around the yard. We will dig into the Earth together in our gardens here in DC and at our other home in Costa Rica. We will smell and taste the Earth together. We will sow seeds together, and we will nurture them into fresh organic foods. We will cultivate harmony and balance. I love you sweet Kai.

I can’t wait for you to interact, engage with, other babies and children – as we can show you the way to kindness. We are already sharing with you our kindness – and both your Nanna and Grandpa have shared their love and kindness with you. We could see how deeply you already trusted them in your first moments in their arms. You already have a special bond with both your Nanna and Grandpa that will last a lifetime. They could not have been any happier, for them becoming grandparents is a new diversion in their life’s journey as well. And your Great Nanna just can’t wait to hold you in her arms! Just a couple more weeks!

We can’t wait to take you to the beach for the first time, put your gorgeous little toes in the soft sand and introduce you to the ocean, tropical palms, and almond trees that surround the sea. We can’t wait for you to meet your Abuela Lissette, for her to give you all her love… which she can hardly contain when we video call Costa Rica. You have a very proud and incredibly loving Abuela – and family – waiting for you a few thousand miles away. I love you sweet Kai.

There are also so many moments we can’t wait to share with you in the United States, here in DC and elsewhere. Your daddy is itching to get you on the soccer field and teach you all he knows, there is already a soccer ball waiting for you! Everyday we talk about all the adventures you two will have together over the next year, and beyond of course. Reading stories, learning to smile, laugh, and play. Learning the ways of gentle play. Cultivating kindness with the other babies at Moon Garden. Infancy is heaven on Earth sweet Kai. I love you.

We are so deeply grateful that we have the means and opportunity for you to spend the next year with your daddy during the day, it is just so amazing and I couldn’t be happier. I promise to give you my undivided attention when I am at home in the morning, evenings, and weekends. Our time together is so very precious and I feel so much joy in giving you my love. My greatest promise to you is to give and teach you love, kindness, and peace.

I love you sweet Kai, forever and with all of my heart.
Your Mama

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Seasons of Change & Liberation

2 Oct

The past week has been a whirlwind. The seasons collide and Fall is upon us. At this very moment the stars align and bring forward an opportunity for change in my own life. Sometimes I don’t know exactly what the catalyst is, perhaps its all of the energies coming into one at a particular moment and it ignites a signal that now is the time for change. Change is an opportunity. But its also incredibly frightening. You can feel like your whole life has been turned upside down. Or better yet, that you just made a decision that brought forward a change and deliberately turned your own life upside down. In a nut shell that was what this week was for me.

The change occurring in my life is on the professional side of life, which for me is wrapped-up in my personal emotions and purpose in life. My “career” is one that I’ve created… its synonymous with my last blog post. In building my career and business, I’ve built my own life in the process. It is all so deeply intertwined. I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life building and nurturing a business and a couple of organizations. I’ve poured my sweat, love, and tears into building these institutions. It has been incredibly challenging, exhilarating, gratifying, and disheartening all at the same time. There have been many moments along the road where I’ve stopped and looked within and found that my own personal well was empty. That I’d given so much in the process that there was nothing left to me. I’ve lost balance many times along the way, and forced myself to take the time to replenish my well, regain strength, and carry on. Each of these organizations, with all their beauties & flaws, are a reflection of many things I am passionate about in life. They are in and of themselves catalysts of social change in varying forms.

There have been so many “signs” that this has been coming, but I really had no idea when I would get up the courage to make it happen. In December of last year, I travelled home to Costa Rica for a weekend. It was the Reunion for my graduate school, the United Nations-mandated University for Peace. Despite being incredibly busy with work, I knew I needed to make the trip. Here I met a lovely colleague, we connected and talked for quite a while. She shared with me that I am in the midst of my “Saturn Return” and that it was a time of major change in my life and that it was going to be difficult but that it would work out for the better. Facinating… First of all, I really had no idea what “Saturn Return” even meant until I got back home and researched it on the web. I had put this moment out of sight out of mind until last week, when it came charging into my life. I just knew, my gut instinct, that this is the moment to make the change.

For over a year, I’ve been feeling a lack of professional growth. Sure, I continue to learn new things everyday. I talk to our management team about it and we tried to make changes & concessions several times over. But I’ve continued to feel incredibly stuck in a position that forces me to fill roles and responsibilities that don’t draw on my strengths. Yes, I CAN do all these things, I’ve learned to do them out of necessity. I’ve tried (for years) to grow to like to do these things, but I’ve also grown into my own potential and with each passing day finding myself less and less happy in these roles.. I just don’t have time to fill these unsatisfying roles and also capitalize on my strengths by doing the things that derive my energy & passion. I’m constantly battling against time. Do I take 10 hours to work on legal filings? Or, Do I spend those 10 hours charting a vision & implementation strategy for a new program? Both are equally important at all levels. But only one of those things draws on my strengths. Unfortunately, there is only time for one or the other… and well I am never going to get those 10 hours back. This is the same time conundrum I wrote about a couple of months ago. It had turned into an intractable conflict in my life. Yes, there are good days. And I have learned more in the past 7 years than I would have ever learned in a “standard job” over 20 years. I am grateful for all I have learned in the process. But the bottom line is that it had become toxic to me and the only way to make it healthy was to make a change. It was the moment I realized that this is just not working for me. So the decision was mine and I made it.

I made the decision to exit. And I had no idea what it meant for me. Its not like I had my dream job waiting for me when I made the decision. I hadn’t even thought about looking for jobs, I haven’t even updated my resume in over 7 years! The stars aligned and BAM I made a pretty big decision. I found myself empty again, but in a different way (you know as they say in Asia, “same same but different”). Empty as in Taoist empty. Sure I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt incredibly fearful and anxious at first. But the emptiness that came with the decision to make this change has become very liberating. I felt empty – open to all the new possibilities the world has to offer. Free – from the burden of the daunting challenges I faced every day.

Then a good friend who lives all the way in Singapore sent an email that she herself had received from a professional mentor… it was like a 2 page interactive manifesto on the ‘Journey to Self’… it was called “Stop the World I Want to Get Off”. Ah timing can be incredible! If telepathy exists, I swear that it was happening at this very moment. This short manifesto on life reflected the essence of the challenges I need to face & deal with at this very moment in my life. This change in my professional life is reflective of the first step I need to take in overcoming these obstacles to living the real life that is meant for me. That is me… I am the person staring back from the words encapsulated on these 2 pages. I am not ready to go into all of the things that this manifesto on self is about or how it reflects me and how I got to where I am… I’ll save that for a blog post 20 years from now. Bottom line, I am an “over-functioner” to the point that it can become self-destructive. What I know now is that this change I’ve brought about in my life is an opportunity to grow and improve my own life. To take one step forward in becoming less of an “over-functioner” for others and become more of a functioner for myself – to live the balanced & positive life I deserve to live. For me, being “selfish” and making decision based on what is best for me is counter to my nature. My instinct is to make decisions based on what is best for everyone else. So simply making the decision that I did was the first step forward. I don’t think my selfless nature will go away, only now it will be balanced with factoring in my own needs.

So there you have it. Four days ago I made a big decision and I had no idea what it really “meant”. And well, day 4 of its aftermath has brought me to some important self realizations that I otherwise would not have been able to put into perspective and begin growing from. I still don’t know what the future has in store for me. Or where I will be 4 months from now. But I am okay with that for now. I want this transition to go smoothly – and for once in my life – gracefully. I don’t fully know what this change and transition will be, but I know it is the RIGHT thing for me. With that, I conclude this day by making a few promises.

  • I promise that I will take my own needs into consideration in making decisions that commit me to something
  • I promise that I will be more “mentally present” when I am with my husband and family
  • I promise that I will make more time to enjoy life, enjoy the people I love & savor the moments

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Want to go on a journey?

2 Apr

I’m not always going to take you to paradise, but sometimes I will!  I welcome you to join in my personal journey through life vis-a-vis this blog.

Together we will – Go to gritty little niches in the world.  To blissful paradises. To Pandora-like lands. We will face bitter realities of inequality and injustice.  We will try heavenly new foods.  Endure vast new lands.  And reflect on personal moments of fortitude, desperation, hope and triumph.

It’s a candid and honest reflection of the daily life and dreams of one woman – a global citizen, social entrepreneur, wife, daughter, Washingtonian, artist, companion to 3 cats & 1 dog – and someday a mother.

Learning at each step… how to be a better person, make the world a better place, simply striving to live more gracefully.  I will stumble along the way, trip over my own feet, gets bumps & bruises, pick myself back-up and live another day.

The essence of this journey – Vive y Deja Vivir – Live and to Let Live – The single most important lesson I’ve learned in the thirty years of my life so far.  I am still trying to figure out exactly what it means for you, for me, and for the greater humanity.

I hope you will share with me your reactions, thoughts, convictions, and insights on life throughout this journey.  I want to learn about your perspective – no matter how different from my own.  It’s through your contributions to this blog, that you will help shape the journey, determine the places we go & the things we will do for years to come.  Lets get ready for liftoff!

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