I’ve been trained to keep going even when its hard. When it hurts. When it sucks. When I don’t want to. I look past it. Relentless forward progress to the finish. Call it what you want; stubbornness, endurance, determination, guts. Deep down, I don’t know how to give up. [And its always worth it in the end]
Words of wisdom and inspiration from my friend Debbie Carpenter – Thank you!
I’m finally back blogging after a 6 month “break”. I can find a million reasons (and excuses) for taking this break but the biggest one is that I needed the mental space to focus on other changes going on mostly with work, that had me, well you could say… mentally preoccupied.
And then I realized that I started this blog exactly 1 year ago, as it was one of my “new years resolutions” that I make during my birthday month. I can’t believe an entire year has passed. And I can’t believe all that I’ve done in just twelve months, I’m truly grateful. Where to begin? Lets journey back to Cambodia…
Afternoon Rain in the Temples of Angkor Wat
The mystery and grandeur of Angkor Wat had been a vision in my mind and in my dreams since I was a child. I would lay down in the grass on the banks of Edinboro lake in front of my house and daydream away that I was exploring these distant temples in Cambodia. At the time I didn’t know where the temples were, nor was I even able to read about them yet, I had only spent hours pondering photos of them in the National Geographic magazine in my Kindergarten class – and I knew I would someday experience them and the distant land they exist in.
I’ve already shared with you some of my reflections from my journey in Cambodia but this one memory in particular has fleeted back in my mind from time to time. It tends to find its way back to me when I’m in need of purity, and a reminder of the beautiful moments in life. It was summer in Siem Reap when my plane hit the runway for its landing. As we exited the plane, the thick hot air hit me in the face and the paved air strip was all a mirage from the heat… welcome to Cambodia! Here I was, finally, after over 25 years of daydreams. We made our way to the quaint Siddarta Hotel/B&B that was located on the road that connected Siem Reap and the massive temple complex known as Angkor Wat. The sun was already setting by the time we got settled, just one more day of anticipation. We awoke very early, had breakfast, and headed off by bicycle along the forested roads that brought us to the temples. As we meandered along the roads, other bicycles would pass by carrying large baskets of deep-fried insects, chickens in rattan baskets, and even whole pigs tied to the handle bars. As we entered the temple complex monkeys would run out from the forest and into the road attempting to get our attention. I’d gaze out into little clearings in the trees and spot a number of makeshift shrines with buddha statues of all sizes amid tall grass and trees. It was enchanting, and already my childhood daydreams had come true.
The complex of temples and ruins in Siem Reap is massive, consisting of 20+ square miles of ancient ruins spread out in different areas connected by a system of ancient and modern roads. After getting my 3-day “all you can wander” pass, we headed off to the first (and most renowned) temple complex – Angkor Wat. We locked our bikes together just outside the entrance and off we went wandering around by foot. As I stared out over the moat while crossing an ancient stone foot bridge my mouth dropped in awe. History and daydreams came alive before my eyes. We spent several hours making our way through this incredible temple complex. Tucked away in little nooks and crannies were the most ornate stone carvings of buddhist and hindu figures. Occasionally we’d come across a giant stone buddha statue adorned in yellow garment with gold and green decor, giving the statue a distinct aura.
After several hours of wandering around, clouds began to roll over the skies and before I knew it, rain was pouring down from the heavens. This was a moment I wanted to savour forever. I found a spot on the cold stone temple floor and laid down for a rest. There I was, in the middle of the temples of Angkor Wat, taking a moment of solitude as the rain came down and cleaned away any sense of worry. I watched the raindrops soothe as the journeyed into the porous ancient stone that surrounded me. The music of the afternoon rain soothed my mind. Life suddenly came into perspective and my heart was at peace. This very moment, now a memory of an experience lived, was one I had never dreamed of. The simple beauty of a surprise.
Today was one of those days that inspired me to “travel back in time”. Not literally of course, but mentally. I had a chance to catch-up with a close friend that I don’t get the opportunity to spend much time with anymore since we live almost 1,000 miles away. There is something very special about friends who knew you “back then”, who know about the skeletons in your closet, who love you unconditionally, and when you talk its like hardly any time has passed – even if its been a few years or more. That was today. And while the conversation and news we shared was not all roses, it reminded me of how grateful I am to have such amazing friends. We grow apart to grow together in some mysterious way.
It also made me slip back in time and think about the challenges I have faced in my life’s “chapters” thus far – and what growing means to me. The life I live today is one that I am responsible for, it is the product of my own decision making (good & bad), relentless determination, and hard work. And I can tell you that I am truly happy with where my life has taken me… though the road has not easy in the least. I think back to the “chapter of life” called high school and I can’t even begin to express how I never want to go back to those days at any level. Many people yearn to “go back to the good ol days of high school when they had no worries” – that is not me! For me high school was largely characterized by family conflicts, chronic health issues, and major financial insecurity. I recall very clearly just how painful growing was during that time. The challenges seemed impossible to overcome, and at the time they were. Those issues aside, you can always find kindred spirits anywhere in the world, and those years also brought some incredible lifelong friendships that I’ll cherish forever.
College on the other hand was a wonderful chapter in my book of life. I continued to deal with all of the same issues as I had in high school, though they were less pervasive since I was a “few states away” from some of them. And with each passing year of College I became a little bit more in control of my destiny. It was empowering. And in the process I uncovered many of my passions in life. It wasn’t the physical place of going to college – it was the people, community, and learning (and growing) environment that was such a positive experience for me. It was exactly what my soul needed to get beyond the dark years of my childhood and learn to follow my heart. I can’t say enough good things about my experience at Colby-Sawyer College. It was really the beginning of my life. The day I graduated, I knew at that moment that I now own this life – and it was up to me what I made of it. I now had the power to experience both personal failures and successes. It wasn’t that I had “grown-up” – I don’t believe we ever “grow-up” because we should never stop growing.
Then there were all the years, places, communities, and friends in between those great College days and the current chapter in my life. They too were wonderful, not without their challenges of course. I spent several years living and working in Costa Rica. What an incredible experience. The community I was a part of was so inspiring at many levels. I also met the wonderful person who is my forever partner in this life. Then there was grad school at UPEACE – another amazing part of my life. And another community I am forever grateful for. I have to add here, the “Costa Rica” chapter in my book of life is not finished yet, I’m convinced that we’ll move back there someday in the foreseeable future.
After a few years of living in the land of pura vida, I felt ready & charged to take on the world’s biggest problems – pervasive poverty, injustice, deadly conflicts, environmental degradation, oppressive regimes, domestic apathy & greed. My mind was spinning and I was determined to solve all of the issues plaguing the world. Lets stop here for a moment… how the hell did I go from battling a chronic disease in high school to attempt to take on the world? It’s all a part of the journey through life I suppose. Then I made the move to Washington DC, and it was a reality check of sorts – I was suddenly a tiny fish in a very big pond. I had to create a community where there was none. And I had to find a place to harness my passions, put them to use, and make a living in the process. All this in a city where success is predicated on “family” connections, which I didn’t have any of. Now this is when I learned that changing the world begins with bite sized pieces. I resisted these facts of life. I was frustrated by how difficult it was to “make change” vis-a-vis public policy. I came to Washington DC – with utopian ideals for how democracy works. Oh I had so much to learn yet…
What is the point of this glazed-over monologue of a few years of my life? There are a bazillion incredible little stories in there that really reveal the essence of life. This “big picture” gives a reminder of just how valuable growth is. It may mean something slightly different to each of us and that is a-okay… that is a goal of this blog “vive y deja vivir“. Life – and growth – is both happy go-lucky and painfully challenging at the same time. We are constantly growing and changing and should continue to do so as long as we still wake up each day. I don’t know what life has in store for me, but I do have some good ideas of what I’d like to make of what I see coming along in the journey. For now I’ll continue to productively harness my passions towards changemaking and allow the universe to work its magic.
There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder. – Ronald Reagan
Vive Vivir Project 