One day I began placing a few of the most beautiful glass marbles into a jar. One by one, day by day, month by month, vibrantly colored marbles were carefully placed into this glass jar. The jar sat firmly in its place of stature. It took nearly 13 years to fill that glass jar, and there were moments when a few marbles were removed from the jar only to be put back in later. One day – just like that, the glass jar nearly filled to the brim with the most brilliantly colored marbles, slipped through my fingers and shattered to the ground before my eyes. Nothing I could have done would’ve prevented the jar from falling at that moment, it was predestined. The glass lay in shards around me, while the marbles became dust that scattered into infinity. Trust was now let go to the universe. And just like that, I knew I had to accept my fate. I could not turn my head any longer. I could not ignore how broken it was. There it was – all my fears, shame, and guilt lay naked before me in a billion pieces. Exposed. Completely Vulnerable.
I will always remember that day like it was yesterday. I tried so hard to hold on to that glass jar, and its remnants. Only to learn that with every firm grip, I was enabling more pain and self-inflicting more suffering. I resisted the basic idea of letting go. Everything we are taught teaches us that it is our duty to hold on, no matter how destructive something may be. That no matter what, we stick it out, we endure misery, and we accept another’s pain as though it is our own. And just like that, one day I broke the cardinal rule and in doing so liberated myself. It was the hardest moment of my life. I finally accepted that the figments of glass that once formed a jar were beyond repair. I could not even attempt to piece the jar back together, let alone collect the marble dust. The only thing I could do was start a new day, a new life. What I do today, defines tomorrow. And today I write.
I write this on the final hours of a long overdue “vacation”. I’ve wanted to write all week but never had the right space for it, so here I am at just a few strokes before midnight. I am finally at a point where I can go back to that day, and that snapshot in time, without it bringing forward rumination. I look back and no longer see it as an end in time. Rather I see it as the beginning of something beautiful, something extraordinary. I’ve focused on shinning as much light as possible into one of the darkest experiences of my life. Because light is love and it is more powerful than darkness, always.
For the past 8 months, I’ve been rediscovering and rebuilding my spirit, as though a part of my spirit was somehow contained in the glass jar that shattered. I hadn’t realized how much I’d lost touch with myself over the years, how little time I took to adequately connect with myself. I was so wrapped-up in work, motherhood and mom guilt, and in the myriad of daily actions. The past is what it is. What matters is what we do today. It’s about finding peace amidst adversity. Because adversity is relentless throughout life. Finding strength and grace you didn’t know you were capable of. Discovering happiness through some of life’s greatest challenges. It’s about living your authentic life, whatever flavor it may take.
What proved the most challenging is that through this I’ve had to stay in the Arena the entire time, I’ve continued to chase that ball down the field and contend with offenders. I haven’t even had a moment to take a water break until this past week. I’ve kept going at an unrelenting pace because it’s my life and I’m not going to stop living it without the exuberance it deserves. It’s been about regaining ownership over my life. Finding the courage to keep going, and continue growing. Learning to trust myself and others, even when completely vulnerable. And accepting fate and destiny with serenity.
As the tradition of Thanks-giving comes to an end, I’d be remiss not to express my gratitude for all the growth that this year has provided. It may seem counter intuitive to celebrate tragedy, but I’m an optimist at my core. I can find a silver lining on the darkest clouds. I am so deeply grateful for my life – and I can genuine say that I am grateful for the challenges that I’ve faced. Each day I am a better person – and a better mother. I wouldn’t change a thing of the past. I will build an even better life, one that I enjoy living. One that is even more resilient to future adversity.
Vive Vivir Project 