Tag Archives: career

Restless at 3 Years

19 Jul

I have come to find a pattern in myself, and also in that of a few of my colleagues.  I develop a deep seated sense of restlessness when I near the 3 year marker in any professional trajectory.  There is just something inside me that tells me it is time to move on and find my next endeavor, the next challenge, the next place to make my mark and leave a legacy.  I am there now.  I feel it in my heart, in my veins.  At the same time, I feel as though there are so many loose ends that I need to tidy up, put the final touches on some projects.  There is always more work to be done, more ways something (no, everything!) can be made better, more effective, more accurate.  But my 3 years in this endeavor are coming to a close.

I am ready, unlike ever before.  It’s not that I am unhappy.  Rather I truly enjoy the everyday challenge of my work.  I believe in the mission and find it completely satisfying.  But this transition is different than all prior, I have been cognizant that this time is coming and instead of resisting it, I have chosen to embrace it.  I have been planning for it like I never have before, maybe thats what happens when you become experienced in managing transitions?

I have found camaraderie among several colleagues in our shared sense of restlessness when he hit the 3 year threshold of a given job.  We share this inherent sense that its time to move on, to invest our time and energy in some other endeavor.  We spend the first 6 months focused on learning, absorbing the new endeavor and all its nuances, then we chart out our roadmap for how we are going to leave it better than it was when came.

This time around, the restlessness is different than it was before.  While I am excited about what lies ahead professionally, I have also made very deliberative decisions that are unlike those in the past.  I have put health and family first.  My number one priority is a better quality of life for my family and I.  That means so many things… working less; loving more; laughing more; smiling more; cooking more; painting more; making music more; running more; meditating more; and so many other things that are not traditional working.  Am I going to continue to work?  Absolutely yes!  All of the “work” I do are intellectual and creative outlets for my restless soul.  While I have achieved a much better work life balance, I have not yet gotten into the right balance.

A few guiding zen words as I move on in this transition of sorts…

  1. Do one thing at a time
  2. Do it slowly and deliberately
  3. Do it completely
  4. Do less
  5. Put space between things
  6. Develop rituals
  7. Designate time for certain things
  8. Devote time to sitting
  9. Smile and serve others
  10. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation
  11. Think about what is necessary
  12. Live simply

Color photo of Peruvian child with llama

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Why I Run

30 Oct

I realize that many, maybe even thousands, of women have written blogs on why they run.  After 2.5 years of blogging this topic is finally making its way into this blog, and its somewhat about time.  I run for so many different reasons.

Growing-up I was one of those kids that truly struggled to run one mile in gym class.  I remember having to walk part of the 1 mile fitness test in school several years in a row.  I was so NOT born to run.  I remember hardly being able to do one pull up.  I thought it was allergies, asthma, and so many other things.  Reality is, I wasn’t in good physically shape.  But I wasn’t fat or even chubby either.  I just didn’t do anything that required endurance.  Then middle school came around and I traded in my roller skates (that is not a typo – lol) for my new found my love for field sports in soccer, and later in high school field hockey.  And I did Outward Bound somewhere in there too. It was also a recipe for get-in-shape fast!

Then the summer after my freshman year of college I packed-up my bright green ford escort and hit the road solo to move to Boulder Colorado.  I was determined to grow even farther outside of my comfort zone.  It was there, a mile above sea level, that I really began to run.  It started with daily hikes in the flat iron hills in Boulder, then hiking the continental divide, Estes Park, Zion National Park, and so on.  As ski season approached I realized I needed to kick it up a notch and the best way to get there was by running.  I just really wanted to live up that 5 mountain ski pass.  And so my love for distance running began.  I’ll be honest I really disliked running at first, REALLY disliked it.  I’d focus on how tired and heavy my legs felt, and I’d have to stop after a bit.

The next summer I spent living and working in Connecticut, (and for several summers thereafter) which was not my “chosen” place to be.  And I needed to find ways to make the best of it.  Off I went to find a dose of nature.  This led me to spending the evenings after work heading straight out to Talcott Mountain and the various Reservoir trails – to RUN.  It was on these trails through the forests that I found my stride.  I can still remember the accomplishment I felt after running 3 miles without stopping.  I grew stronger, physically and mentally, with every run.  I see myself and life differently when I run. I am healthier inside and out.  And 13+ years later and I am still doing it.  I’ve run in pretty much every country and culture I’ve visited.  It is a part of how I experience the world.

I run because I can.  One mile became two, two became three, and next time I look I find that I can run 13 miles without stopping.  When I run I feel like I am feeding my body life.  With every mile I am proving to myself that I am even more capable and powerful than I ever thought I could be.  I feel strong when I run, I feel unstoppable.  Running builds my confidence and courage to make the impossible possible everyday.  It keeps at bay the professional self-doubt that so many women are plagued with.

My mind and body become one when I run as  my mind becomes placid and drifts away.  Running puts me in balance and at ease.  It tames my restless soul and brings me into living for today.  Its the only chance I get to sort through my thoughts without interruption, to make sense of life and keep it in perspective.  Running has come to be my form of zen meditation.  I am a better person when I run.  A better mother.  A better wife, daughter, friend, boss, and co-worker.

I run because its hard.  And when I think I can’t keep going, I know  deep down that I can, and I keep going.  Nothing feels better.  It hurts at times.  Beads of sweat pour down my face, mile after mile of relentless forward progress.  There is a lump in my chest from breathing in the dry crisp air of winter, yet I feel refreshed.  I conscientiously smile to the world as I hit a new person record.  I run because I strive to be better than myself.

I run because it makes me happy.

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Conundrums of a Modern Woman

8 Sep

I could not be happier – at so many levels and in so many aspects of my life.  Does it mean that my life is easy?  Absolutely not.  Just the opposite in fact.  But in reality the challenge of my everyday life is something I find deeply fulfilling.  I’ve been thinking a lot about where I am today – actually, where we are are today – and where we will be 1, 3, 5 years from now.  The answer is that I just don’t know.

We are very happy in our urban DC life.  It’s a rat race of sorts with a career tangled-up in posturing, politics, and power – in no particular order.  But a career, a mission, that I am very passionate about.  Did I mention that I am passionate about my career?  Oh yes I am passionate about my career.  I am very grateful for my career, and it also something I have worked incredibly hard for.  Throwing my entire self – heart, head, and soul – for a good part of the time.  I guess you could say, I’ve been “leaning in” for the past 10 years.  I’m afraid to write down the list of “things I’ve done”  in the past ten years because it is far more than I ever dreamed.  I’ve broken down stereotypes and broken through the taboos and glass ceiling of women in leadership. Most importantly, I know that what I do every day helps to make life better for millions of people.  Being a part of that kind of positive change is what makes me tick.

I think back on the stories that my grandmother shared with me about how she attempted to work outside of the home after her children were all in school.  Her work was a “secret” kept from the family, since it was unheard of and considered unacceptable.  A married woman with children, having a few hours of independence at a job.  I just can’t imagine.  When my grandfather found out, that was the end of that job.  Though he did offer for her to work with him in his business.  Not quite the same, but still considered acceptable.  Now for the record, I am not negative towards my grandfather regarding this in any way.  He was a very loving and involved father and husband, and he and my grandmother lived a great life together.   But in the 1950s and 1960s, it simply was not status quo for a wife and mother from the upper middle class to work outside the home.  I must say, I am forever grateful for my mother, grandmother, and all the generations of women that came before me.  They paved the way for modern women.  From voting rights to equal pay to women in leadership and politics.  We have come a long way, and we still have a much farther to go!

Here I am in 2013 – a passionately loving mother and wife – and a passionate and successful professional woman. And I am torn.  After 10 years of building a successful and satisfying career in the epicenter of World Politics I am questioning how much longer I want to continue down this road.  Six months ago I started writing the next (of many) chapters in our life with Kai, and this has brought forth in my mind so many other things I’d like to do in my life with Kai and Keylor.  But most importantly I’ve come to realize I am passionate about being a mom.  Oh yes I am very passionate about being a mom.  While I am so very grateful that I have the opportunity to do both – be a mom and pursue my career – I’ve come to realize that I really want to spend more time being a mom and less time in my professional career.  It’s a hard reality, especially when you are satisfied in the present moment.  But I dream about all of the other aspects of life – as a mom – that I have yet to fully uncover my passions for…

  • Living Closer to the Earth
    I love gardening and farming.  And for me part of being a mom is also about living close to the earth.  Guiding my children in seeing nature through the birds, bees, worms, and spiders.  Harvesting squash and fresh herbs – and with my children in the kitchen transforming them into dinner’s delight.  Living closer to the earth is at the core of my being – and in my being a mom.
  • Singing & Laughing More
    I spend more time singing now than I have in my whole life.  I sign nursery rhymes and make-up new songs everyday.  But I still need to sing and laugh more.  One thing I learned at Moon Garden that has stayed with me is about the importance of daily rhythms and singing to your babies.  Babies (and children) benefit greatly from the establishment of daily rhythms and through living gentle household rhythms.  Rhythms should not be confused with a schedule.  And further, by passing through those rhythms with song.  I yearn to establish more gentle rhythms and create more song.
  • Nurturing Life
    Our home is filled with life.  Between three cats, 1 dog, and a beautiful baby Kai – there is so much life and love to go around.  And we take in others when the stars align as so.  We are passionate about nurturing life.  And I want to dedicate more hours in my day to nurturing my child(ren) and every aspect of our life together.  This is not new for me and this one comes back to #1 – Living Closer to the Earth.  For me nurturing life also means growing healthy organic vegetables on the farm, raising egg laying ducks, and milk producing goats.  For me it is about teaching our child(ren) how to nurture life by living closer to the earth.
  • Strengthening a Community
    We’ve built a strong sense of community here in the DC area.  I love our friends here and they are like family.  Still I yearn for our child(ren) to grow up in a more tight knit community, one that they feel a sense of responsibility and that the community feels equally responsible for them.  The type of community where young people are empowered to be a part of leadership, where traditional culture coexists with modern, and where everyone is a part of making each others lives fuller.

There you have it, my dream list of some of the “things I still want to do” as a mom to sweet Kai. So much more in life has yet to come. I don’t know exactly when or exactly where this journey will take us but I can tell that it’s likely to take us on a new adventure sometime in the foreseeable future.  And with that – Goodnight.

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Seasons of Change & Liberation

2 Oct

The past week has been a whirlwind. The seasons collide and Fall is upon us. At this very moment the stars align and bring forward an opportunity for change in my own life. Sometimes I don’t know exactly what the catalyst is, perhaps its all of the energies coming into one at a particular moment and it ignites a signal that now is the time for change. Change is an opportunity. But its also incredibly frightening. You can feel like your whole life has been turned upside down. Or better yet, that you just made a decision that brought forward a change and deliberately turned your own life upside down. In a nut shell that was what this week was for me.

The change occurring in my life is on the professional side of life, which for me is wrapped-up in my personal emotions and purpose in life. My “career” is one that I’ve created… its synonymous with my last blog post. In building my career and business, I’ve built my own life in the process. It is all so deeply intertwined. I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life building and nurturing a business and a couple of organizations. I’ve poured my sweat, love, and tears into building these institutions. It has been incredibly challenging, exhilarating, gratifying, and disheartening all at the same time. There have been many moments along the road where I’ve stopped and looked within and found that my own personal well was empty. That I’d given so much in the process that there was nothing left to me. I’ve lost balance many times along the way, and forced myself to take the time to replenish my well, regain strength, and carry on. Each of these organizations, with all their beauties & flaws, are a reflection of many things I am passionate about in life. They are in and of themselves catalysts of social change in varying forms.

There have been so many “signs” that this has been coming, but I really had no idea when I would get up the courage to make it happen. In December of last year, I travelled home to Costa Rica for a weekend. It was the Reunion for my graduate school, the United Nations-mandated University for Peace. Despite being incredibly busy with work, I knew I needed to make the trip. Here I met a lovely colleague, we connected and talked for quite a while. She shared with me that I am in the midst of my “Saturn Return” and that it was a time of major change in my life and that it was going to be difficult but that it would work out for the better. Facinating… First of all, I really had no idea what “Saturn Return” even meant until I got back home and researched it on the web. I had put this moment out of sight out of mind until last week, when it came charging into my life. I just knew, my gut instinct, that this is the moment to make the change.

For over a year, I’ve been feeling a lack of professional growth. Sure, I continue to learn new things everyday. I talk to our management team about it and we tried to make changes & concessions several times over. But I’ve continued to feel incredibly stuck in a position that forces me to fill roles and responsibilities that don’t draw on my strengths. Yes, I CAN do all these things, I’ve learned to do them out of necessity. I’ve tried (for years) to grow to like to do these things, but I’ve also grown into my own potential and with each passing day finding myself less and less happy in these roles.. I just don’t have time to fill these unsatisfying roles and also capitalize on my strengths by doing the things that derive my energy & passion. I’m constantly battling against time. Do I take 10 hours to work on legal filings? Or, Do I spend those 10 hours charting a vision & implementation strategy for a new program? Both are equally important at all levels. But only one of those things draws on my strengths. Unfortunately, there is only time for one or the other… and well I am never going to get those 10 hours back. This is the same time conundrum I wrote about a couple of months ago. It had turned into an intractable conflict in my life. Yes, there are good days. And I have learned more in the past 7 years than I would have ever learned in a “standard job” over 20 years. I am grateful for all I have learned in the process. But the bottom line is that it had become toxic to me and the only way to make it healthy was to make a change. It was the moment I realized that this is just not working for me. So the decision was mine and I made it.

I made the decision to exit. And I had no idea what it meant for me. Its not like I had my dream job waiting for me when I made the decision. I hadn’t even thought about looking for jobs, I haven’t even updated my resume in over 7 years! The stars aligned and BAM I made a pretty big decision. I found myself empty again, but in a different way (you know as they say in Asia, “same same but different”). Empty as in Taoist empty. Sure I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt incredibly fearful and anxious at first. But the emptiness that came with the decision to make this change has become very liberating. I felt empty – open to all the new possibilities the world has to offer. Free – from the burden of the daunting challenges I faced every day.

Then a good friend who lives all the way in Singapore sent an email that she herself had received from a professional mentor… it was like a 2 page interactive manifesto on the ‘Journey to Self’… it was called “Stop the World I Want to Get Off”. Ah timing can be incredible! If telepathy exists, I swear that it was happening at this very moment. This short manifesto on life reflected the essence of the challenges I need to face & deal with at this very moment in my life. This change in my professional life is reflective of the first step I need to take in overcoming these obstacles to living the real life that is meant for me. That is me… I am the person staring back from the words encapsulated on these 2 pages. I am not ready to go into all of the things that this manifesto on self is about or how it reflects me and how I got to where I am… I’ll save that for a blog post 20 years from now. Bottom line, I am an “over-functioner” to the point that it can become self-destructive. What I know now is that this change I’ve brought about in my life is an opportunity to grow and improve my own life. To take one step forward in becoming less of an “over-functioner” for others and become more of a functioner for myself – to live the balanced & positive life I deserve to live. For me, being “selfish” and making decision based on what is best for me is counter to my nature. My instinct is to make decisions based on what is best for everyone else. So simply making the decision that I did was the first step forward. I don’t think my selfless nature will go away, only now it will be balanced with factoring in my own needs.

So there you have it. Four days ago I made a big decision and I had no idea what it really “meant”. And well, day 4 of its aftermath has brought me to some important self realizations that I otherwise would not have been able to put into perspective and begin growing from. I still don’t know what the future has in store for me. Or where I will be 4 months from now. But I am okay with that for now. I want this transition to go smoothly – and for once in my life – gracefully. I don’t fully know what this change and transition will be, but I know it is the RIGHT thing for me. With that, I conclude this day by making a few promises.

  • I promise that I will take my own needs into consideration in making decisions that commit me to something
  • I promise that I will be more “mentally present” when I am with my husband and family
  • I promise that I will make more time to enjoy life, enjoy the people I love & savor the moments

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