Children are the reward of life
– African Proverb
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Why I Run
30 OctI realize that many, maybe even thousands, of women have written blogs on why they run. After 2.5 years of blogging this topic is finally making its way into this blog, and its somewhat about time. I run for so many different reasons.
Growing-up I was one of those kids that truly struggled to run one mile in gym class. I remember having to walk part of the 1 mile fitness test in school several years in a row. I was so NOT born to run. I remember hardly being able to do one pull up. I thought it was allergies, asthma, and so many other things. Reality is, I wasn’t in good physically shape. But I wasn’t fat or even chubby either. I just didn’t do anything that required endurance. Then middle school came around and I traded in my roller skates (that is not a typo – lol) for my new found my love for field sports in soccer, and later in high school field hockey. And I did Outward Bound somewhere in there too. It was also a recipe for get-in-shape fast!
Then the summer after my freshman year of college I packed-up my bright green ford escort and hit the road solo to move to Boulder Colorado. I was determined to grow even farther outside of my comfort zone. It was there, a mile above sea level, that I really began to run. It started with daily hikes in the flat iron hills in Boulder, then hiking the continental divide, Estes Park, Zion National Park, and so on. As ski season approached I realized I needed to kick it up a notch and the best way to get there was by running. I just really wanted to live up that 5 mountain ski pass. And so my love for distance running began. I’ll be honest I really disliked running at first, REALLY disliked it. I’d focus on how tired and heavy my legs felt, and I’d have to stop after a bit.
The next summer I spent living and working in Connecticut, (and for several summers thereafter) which was not my “chosen” place to be. And I needed to find ways to make the best of it. Off I went to find a dose of nature. This led me to spending the evenings after work heading straight out to Talcott Mountain and the various Reservoir trails – to RUN. It was on these trails through the forests that I found my stride. I can still remember the accomplishment I felt after running 3 miles without stopping. I grew stronger, physically and mentally, with every run. I see myself and life differently when I run. I am healthier inside and out. And 13+ years later and I am still doing it. I’ve run in pretty much every country and culture I’ve visited. It is a part of how I experience the world.
I run because I can. One mile became two, two became three, and next time I look I find that I can run 13 miles without stopping. When I run I feel like I am feeding my body life. With every mile I am proving to myself that I am even more capable and powerful than I ever thought I could be. I feel strong when I run, I feel unstoppable. Running builds my confidence and courage to make the impossible possible everyday. It keeps at bay the professional self-doubt that so many women are plagued with.
My mind and body become one when I run as my mind becomes placid and drifts away. Running puts me in balance and at ease. It tames my restless soul and brings me into living for today. Its the only chance I get to sort through my thoughts without interruption, to make sense of life and keep it in perspective. Running has come to be my form of zen meditation. I am a better person when I run. A better mother. A better wife, daughter, friend, boss, and co-worker.
I run because its hard. And when I think I can’t keep going, I know deep down that I can, and I keep going. Nothing feels better. It hurts at times. Beads of sweat pour down my face, mile after mile of relentless forward progress. There is a lump in my chest from breathing in the dry crisp air of winter, yet I feel refreshed. I conscientiously smile to the world as I hit a new person record. I run because I strive to be better than myself.
I run because it makes me happy.
A Love Affair – With A City…
1 OctI’m coming to terms with the fact that I have a love affair with the city I’ve called home for the past 8+ years. Oh how I love Washington, DC – with all her grandeur, historical mystery, and brusque sophistication. Growing-up I knew that I would find myself calling DC home one day. I love walking the tree-lined streets of historic Capital Hill everyday with my baby and pooch in tow. And in the winter there is nothing more charming than walking by homes with lighted Christmas trees in the front bay windows, except of course a jaunt to the National Christmas Tree in front of the White House. I love heading down to the National Mall on any given day to find a political rally on ending genocide in Sudan or on passing immigration reform. DC is a city where “change” runs in our blood, and people work hard to make the world a better place. And of course its the city where “lobbyists” got their name, with “lobbying” starting right in the lobby of the famous Willard Hotel. Maybe I don’t love lobbyists but they are a fact of life, or of politics I should say.
I love the grittiness of the city, of any city for that matter, and all the off-beat culture, music, street food – and DC food trucks of course. Some of my favorites are Red Hook Lobster Pound, Tasty Kabob, and Fojol Bros. Then there are the restaurants… complete deliciousness. I appreciate the diversity of culinary delights we have to choose from everyday. I also love the small town feel in every neighborhood across the city – Capital Hill, Takoma Park, and Glover Park to name a few. And did I mention that the plethora of street festivals all year long absolutely rocks? Um yeah. I love everything about DC street festivals. I also love the intellectual stimulation that is around every corner of town and in every coffee shop… DC is a city filled with intense people. Guess that’s why I fit in pretty damn well. I could go on and on about everything I love about Washington, DC. But I also realize that we won’t be living here forever, and there is a pretty good chance that we will move sometime in the next 2-5 years. So while I am in love with this city I also want to put on record the list of things that I will not miss about DC living. So here it goes…
- Taxation Without Representation
Enough stated. Having been a District resident for over 8 years I have finally come to the conclusion (don’ know what took me so long), that if DC residents don’t have representation in Congress than we should not have to pay Federal income taxes since we do not have a voice with a vote. - Sirens (and car horns) – All Day and All Night
I am listening to sirens as I write this blog post. Their sound penetrates through our double panned insulated windows. And about 50% of the time my pooch Tico howls along with the sirens. Which is very endearing except when the baby is sleeping. Bottom line though, I am tired of the blaring noise of sirens and car horns. - Garbage – and the Failure to Use Trash Cans
This one really gets me. There are trash cans everywhere in this city. In fact there are professional street cleaners and career sidewalk cleaners. Still there is trash everywhere. On any given day I will see kids and adults walk by the front of my hose, unwrap their candy or fast food and pitch the garbage right in my front yard. Isn’t that so 20 years ago!?!? Don’t they teach kids in school not to litter!?!? And by the way, there is a trash can 15 yards from my front yard. - Drugs and Drug Addicts
No I won’t give you a dollar or my change so you can go get your next fix. For the 100th time, I work hard for my money and there is no way in hell I am going to give it to a drug addict so they can go get high. Get a frigging job! Oh and I am REALLY tired of those mini zip lock bags that litter my neighborhood and carry the residues of your last high. Really tired of them. - Chicken Bone Ally – EVERYWHERE!
Where do they all come from. And I can’t believe my pooch is still alive after all of the damn chicken bones he has managed to get a hold of. I discovered this problem when we first adopted Tico – and then I began to observe the phenomenon. People buy fried chicken and chicken wings at the nearest 7-11, Popeye’s, and Checkers. They then proceed to walk around the neighborhood eating their chicken and ditching the bones on the sidewalk as they walk. Bizarre! First of all, who eats chicken while walking around? Second, does it not dawn of these people that there are trash cans everywhere. What a concept!?!? Third, come on people you know that chicken bones can splinter in a dogs stomach (not a new discovery, and pretty common knowledge) and there are dogs everywhere in this city. I have seriously considered collecting up these chicken bones, putting them in bags with signs, and stapling them to the trees in an effort to get people to throw their bones in the garbage cans provided. - Paying a Premium for Everything
Everything in this city is so expensive. Food, gas, dentists, dinning, nails at the hardware store, dry cleaning, healthcare, the list could go on and on . End of story. - Being Surrounded by Sex Offenders
I made the terrible mistake with my very first iPhone (yep, first gen) of dowloanding the free “sex offenders” app. I started playing with it around my office and realized that I am surrounded by sex offenders. And then I continued to play with it at home, and found I was still surrounded by sex offenders. There is no escaping them. Rapists and child molesters are everywhere in this city. Gross! Right!?!? - Dodging Wandering Tourists
There should be signs upon entering the metro system providing “Metro Etiquette 101”. Stand only on the right-hand side of the escalators, the left-hand side is for walkers (and sprinters). Do not dilly dally at the ticket checks, Washingtonians have places to go and too little time to get there. And no your back pack can not have its on seat in the metro car. This does not even begin to explain the behavior of tourists on the sidewalks, at cross-walks, and everywhere else in this city. - People Yelling at All Hours of the Day
This really gets to me. Just because ya’ll are drunk at 4:00 am and again at 6:00 pm, does not mean I have to listen to your belligerent rants outside. Learn to use your inside voice outside. - Random Road Closures
We experience random road closures all of the time for many different reasons. On any given day it can take me a full hour to bike home from work (I live less than 3 miles from the office) because every road around the Hill will be closed, no matter where I turn. It’s just another suspicious package day… Oh wait and on the other side of town all the streets are closed because POTUS is making an appearance. And shit man, were you planning on going grocery shopping on Saturday morning? All roads closed due to a race. No food for you! Nough said.
So there you have it – my DC shit list. I am still madly in love with this city for oh so many more reasons than this.
Lens of a Riverstone
13 SepPast and present are one again
Soul now smooth like a stone that has been tumbling in the sea
Fresh eyes and a crisp mind taken back in time
Its the lens of a new age
Listening to stories of an ancient humanity’s stones
Captivated by the elegance of a new mother
Struck by the natural sophistication of a spider
Engulfed by the power of migration – changing seasons and times
Strengthened by the rapture of a vine
Morning mind is placid with fallen flowers
Heart now convival like a riverstone flows to the sea
New Life Bounds the Old
Perspective unrestrained
Beauty in all
I am in awe
– Reflections from Guatemala (circa 2003)
Kai’s First Lesson – Openness
8 JulI just have to say, being a mom is quite simply the best. Just for the purpose of recording history, today is a beautiful day – sun is shining, birds are singing, and the wind is blowing. Today I took some time to think about all I have learned in Kai’s first 10 weeks of life, how much my beautiful baby has taught me. And as I thought about it, he actually started teaching me back when I was pregnant. The first very distinct lesson is – Openness.
At 32 weeks pregnant my belly had grown too big to run long distances, and so I changed my routine from running to walking which worked out well because it was the dead of winter anyway. However, my body and mind had been so used to the routine of long runs several times a week, that it didn’t fully know how to function without those bursts of endorphins a few times a week. As they say, endorphins are our most effective and most underutilized anti-depressant. This was also at the tail end of Hurricane Sandy, which had me working 12-14 hours a day to support continuity of operations in DC.
And bam – I came down with the worst migraine headache of my life, and it lasted for nearly 2 weeks. At the time, I could not figure out why I had the migraine or where it came from. I tried my very best to push through it like I do every other ache or pain, but this was just different. It didn’t subside. It was waves of pain from the front to the back of head. I couldn’t sleep. I could hardly function but I kept going. I went to the Doctor several times, it wasn’t pregnancy related, and there wasn’t much he could do besides prescribe me medicine I didn’t want to take. Then one night it got so bad that I landed in the hospital. They gave me a medication that was considered “safe” during pregnancy but I couldn’t fathom taking it more than once. I was determined to figure out the root of the problem and so I paid a long overdue visit to my Acupucturist. And I am so glad that I did. She is an older woman, in her early seventies who has studied chinese medicine most of her life and raised a family while living around the world. We got to talking about my symptoms and what had been going on in my life. Like any ailment, my body (mind and spirit) were out of balance for some reason and my cortisol (stress hormone) was elevated. As I talked with her the root of the problem came into perspective – I hadn’t run for about 2 weeks which means my body wasn’t getting the endorphins it needed to counteract the stress – and I had been dealing with a sustained high level of stress for several months due to the demands of being in disaster mode at work. Considering that I couldn’t exactly just go outside for a run, I had to figure out other ways to manage. We started to discuss breathing and meditation in place of the running. This was essentially what I do when I run – and is what my body needed without the physical act of running. I need to open my lungs, heart, and mind. I needed to think deliberately about maintaining an open fluid state. She explained that this imbalance is the result of the mind being clenched like a fist. And my Acupuncturist right then and there pointed it out, she said “you see, you are already learning from your child”. Tears came streaming down my face. He had blessed me with my first lesson – Openness.
A month and a half later I was reminded of this lesson again. Natural childbirth is all about opening your body up. I visualized this for hours as a meditated during labor. Later on a professional photographer who worked at the hospital came by to take photos of our baby. She was also of Asian decent. We got to talking and she asked us about our baby’s name, and we told her it was “Kai”. She commented that is was a beautiful name and went on to explain that the word “Kai” means “open” in Chinese. I got goosebumps and chills at this moment and thought back to that afternoon in my Acupunturist’s office. I knew about many of the meanings of our baby’s name but I did not know this one until that moment. Indeed, my sweet baby Kai already began teaching me before he was born. I am so deeply grateful that he chose us to be his parents. I love you sweet baby Kai.
You cannot sow seeds with clenched fists. To sow we must open our fists.
Below are some images that bring me back to earlier experiences in my life where other children taught me about openness. Openness of the mind, and openness of the heart. Enjoy!
A Love Letter
26 AprLife is a journey. Over the past couple of years I’ve written mostly about my journey throughout life, globe hopping to all these neat untrodden little niches in the World. I’ve recently begun the next diversion in my journey, and this time its not about the physical or geographic ‘places’ I am going that defines my present journey. I recently became a mother.
As we’ve all heard before, “children are our greatest teachers”. I hadn’t really internalized what that exactly means until I was about 34 weeks pregnant and then really when I birthed my baby boy just 8 weeks ago. I don’t really know what my child(ren) will teach me, I only know what I’ve only begun learning. There are a few life lessons that he has already begun teaching me and that I will share with you through a series of posts over the next several months.
Before I get started on that, I wanted to begin with a letter that I started to compose for my son just a couple of weeks after he was born. I have waffled on how to go about keeping a diary for him. I acquired a paper journal and attempted to write to him but the words just didn’t flow from the pencil as smoothly as they do on the keyboard. So I started a folder of word documents as a “diary”. And in the end I’ve decided to use this blog as the medium for my diary to Kai. The relationship between a mother and a child is an intimate one and I debated whether or not I should share it with the world, but really it is one of the most beautiful aspects of being human and if the intimate journey I share with my son can inspire just a little something in someone else – or even do so much as make someone smile – then I know I have done right by sharing it with the World. I may not ALWAYS post blogs that comprise my diary to Kai but from time to time I will, and likely most of what I write over then next year will largely be characterized by him and my journey as a new mother. I hope you enjoy the ride with ‘us’!
Dear sweet baby Kai,
I write this on the day that you turned just four weeks old – and have come back to finish it on the day you turned just eight weeks old. Over the past several months I have “written” hundreds of letters to you but this one has finally gotten my physical fingers on the keyboard. I have so many things I want to share with you and I am so very grateful that we have a lifetime to share together.
You are the child I have wanted and dreamt about my whole life. You are the baby that your father and I have daydreamed about having together for the past 9 years. You are beautiful in every way. You are perfect in my eyes. The moment I felt the crown of your head and your hair as you came through the birth canal, I knew I’d be forever in love with you. When you were brought up onto my chest with the umbilical cord still pulsing I was so overcome with happiness… words can’t give justice to the vastness of emotions and love that I felt at that moment and that I know will be with me forever now that you are a part of my life. To have felt you skin on skin the moment you were born was so incredible. Today I held you in my arms skin on skin and felt completely fulfilled and content – and you were just so happy drinking warm sweet milk, that moment could have lasted forever. I love you.
You came into this world with your eyes wide open and your voice being heard. The world is a magical place – sweet, beautiful, sour, and scary albeit. You will need to use your third eye, intuition, to survive and also to realize all that you desire to become. You will need to use your strong voice as you actively work to make way for a better, more just and equitable, humanity. I am already proud of you regardless of all you’re yet to share with the world in a lifetime. I love you.
Your father and I have so many little dreams of the things we will do together and share with you. You make our life complete in a way I never could have imagined. We can’t wait to play with you in the front yard at our home in Costa Rica, play with the butterflies and show you the hummingbirds and toucans around the yard. We will dig into the Earth together in our gardens here in DC and at our other home in Costa Rica. We will smell and taste the Earth together. We will sow seeds together, and we will nurture them into fresh organic foods. We will cultivate harmony and balance. I love you sweet Kai.
I can’t wait for you to interact, engage with, other babies and children – as we can show you the way to kindness. We are already sharing with you our kindness – and both your Nanna and Grandpa have shared their love and kindness with you. We could see how deeply you already trusted them in your first moments in their arms. You already have a special bond with both your Nanna and Grandpa that will last a lifetime. They could not have been any happier, for them becoming grandparents is a new diversion in their life’s journey as well. And your Great Nanna just can’t wait to hold you in her arms! Just a couple more weeks!
We can’t wait to take you to the beach for the first time, put your gorgeous little toes in the soft sand and introduce you to the ocean, tropical palms, and almond trees that surround the sea. We can’t wait for you to meet your Abuela Lissette, for her to give you all her love… which she can hardly contain when we video call Costa Rica. You have a very proud and incredibly loving Abuela – and family – waiting for you a few thousand miles away. I love you sweet Kai.
There are also so many moments we can’t wait to share with you in the United States, here in DC and elsewhere. Your daddy is itching to get you on the soccer field and teach you all he knows, there is already a soccer ball waiting for you! Everyday we talk about all the adventures you two will have together over the next year, and beyond of course. Reading stories, learning to smile, laugh, and play. Learning the ways of gentle play. Cultivating kindness with the other babies at Moon Garden. Infancy is heaven on Earth sweet Kai. I love you.
We are so deeply grateful that we have the means and opportunity for you to spend the next year with your daddy during the day, it is just so amazing and I couldn’t be happier. I promise to give you my undivided attention when I am at home in the morning, evenings, and weekends. Our time together is so very precious and I feel so much joy in giving you my love. My greatest promise to you is to give and teach you love, kindness, and peace.
I love you sweet Kai, forever and with all of my heart.
Your Mama
Learning and Living – The Land of Vive y Deja Vivir
24 JunI’ve been thinking about the life “value” that is interwoven into every post throughout this blog – Vive y Deja Vivir. I come back to it time and time again – and am still figuring out what it means to me. And well, I’ll probably be attempting to figure it out for the rest of my life. 🙂 It is forever evolving. Then I realized, I haven’t actually shared with everyone the place where this lesson came to be known… Bocas del Toro, Panama. Isla Solarte, Isla Colon, Isla Bastimentos, Isla Popa, and Cayos Zapatillo.
Over many trips, many moments, over many years, and with many different people, I came to build a special sense of place for these wonderous island “nations”. Words don’t give justice to their beauty.
Enjoy this photo excursion! And think about what Vive y Deja Vivir is all about.
“People can only live fully by helping others to live. When you give life to friends you truly live. Cultures can only realize their further richness by honoring other traditions. And only by respecting natural life can humanity continue to exist.”
– Daisaku Ikeda
Vive Vivir Project 