Tag Archives: life

Kai’s First Lesson – Openness

8 Jul

I just have to say, being a mom is quite simply the best.  Just for the purpose of  recording history, today is a beautiful day – sun is shining, birds are singing, and the wind is blowing.  Today I took some time to think about all I have learned in Kai’s first 10 weeks of life, how much my beautiful baby has taught me.  And as I thought about it, he actually started teaching me back when I was pregnant.  The first very distinct lesson is – Openness.

At 32 weeks pregnant my belly had grown too big to run long distances, and so I changed my routine from running to walking which worked out well because it was the dead of winter anyway.  However, my body and mind had been so used to the routine of long runs several times a week, that it didn’t fully know how to function without those bursts of endorphins a few times a week. As they say, endorphins are our most effective and most underutilized anti-depressant. This was also at the tail end of Hurricane Sandy, which had me working 12-14 hours a day to support continuity of operations in DC.

And bam –  I came down with the worst migraine headache of my life, and it lasted for nearly 2 weeks.  At the time, I could not figure out why I had the migraine or where it came from.  I tried my very best to push through it like I do every other ache or pain, but this was just different.  It didn’t subside.  It was waves of pain from the front to the back of head.  I couldn’t sleep.  I could hardly function but I kept going.  I went to the Doctor several times, it wasn’t pregnancy related, and there wasn’t much he could do besides prescribe me medicine I didn’t want to take.  Then one night it got so bad that I landed in the hospital.  They gave me a medication that was considered “safe” during pregnancy but I couldn’t fathom taking it more than once.  I was determined to figure out the root of the problem and so I paid a long overdue visit to my Acupucturist.  And I am so glad that I did.  She is an older woman, in her early seventies who has studied chinese medicine most of her life and raised a family while living around the world.  We got to talking about my symptoms and what had been going on in my life.  Like any ailment, my body (mind and spirit) were out of balance for some reason and my cortisol (stress hormone) was elevated.  As I talked with her the root of the problem came into perspective – I hadn’t run for about 2 weeks which means my body wasn’t getting the endorphins it needed to counteract the stress – and I had been dealing with a sustained high level of stress for several months due to the demands of being in disaster mode at work.  Considering that I couldn’t exactly just go outside for a run, I had to figure out other ways to manage.  We started to discuss breathing and meditation in place of the running.  This was essentially what I do when I run – and is what my body needed without the physical act of running.  I need to open my lungs, heart, and mind.  I needed to think deliberately about maintaining an open fluid state.  She explained that this imbalance is the result of the mind being clenched like a fist.  And my Acupuncturist right then and there pointed it out, she said “you see, you are already learning from your child”.  Tears came streaming down my face.  He had blessed me with my first lesson – Openness.

A month and a half later I was reminded of this lesson again.  Natural childbirth is all about opening your body up.  I visualized this for hours as a meditated during labor.  Later on a professional photographer who worked at the hospital came by to take photos of our baby. She was also of Asian decent.  We got to talking and she asked us about our baby’s name, and we told her it was “Kai”.  She commented that is was a beautiful name and went on to explain that the word “Kai” means “open” in Chinese.  I got goosebumps and chills at this moment and thought back to that afternoon in my Acupunturist’s office.  I knew about many of the meanings of our baby’s name but I did not know this one until that moment.  Indeed, my sweet baby Kai already began teaching me before he was born.  I am so deeply grateful that he chose us to be his parents.  I love you sweet baby Kai.

 

You cannot sow seeds with clenched fists.  To sow we must open our fists.

Below are some images that bring me back to earlier experiences in my life where other children taught me about openness.  Openness of the mind, and openness of the heart.  Enjoy!

Photo Children's Open Painted Hands

Photo Children painting nature scenes

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Childhood Daydreams to Angkor Wat

29 Apr

I’m finally back blogging after a 6 month “break”. I can find a million reasons (and excuses) for taking this break but the biggest one is that I needed the mental space to focus on other changes going on mostly with work, that had me, well you could say… mentally preoccupied.

And then I realized that I started this blog exactly 1 year ago, as it was one of my “new years resolutions” that I make during my birthday month. I can’t believe an entire year has passed. And I can’t believe all that I’ve done in just twelve months, I’m truly grateful. Where to begin? Lets journey back to Cambodia…

Landscape color image of the Ancient Temples of Ankor Wat

Afternoon Rain in the Temples of Angkor Wat

The mystery and grandeur of Angkor Wat had been a vision in my mind and in my dreams since I was a child. I would lay down in the grass on the banks of Edinboro lake in front of my house and daydream away that I was exploring these distant temples in Cambodia. At the time I didn’t know where the temples were, nor was I even able to read about them yet, I had only spent hours pondering photos of them in the National Geographic magazine in my Kindergarten class – and I knew I would someday experience them and the distant land they exist in.

I’ve already shared with you some of my reflections from my journey in Cambodia but this one memory in particular has fleeted back in my mind from time to time. It tends to find its way back to me when I’m in need of purity, and a reminder of the beautiful moments in life. It was summer in Siem Reap when my plane hit the runway for its landing. As we exited the plane, the thick hot air hit me in the face and the paved air strip was all a mirage from the heat… welcome to Cambodia! Here I was, finally, after over 25 years of daydreams. We made our way to the quaint Siddarta Hotel/B&B that was located on the road that connected Siem Reap and the massive temple complex known as Angkor Wat. The sun was already setting by the time we got settled, just one more day of anticipation. We awoke very early, had breakfast, and headed off by bicycle along the forested roads that brought us to the temples. As we meandered along the roads, other bicycles would pass by carrying large baskets of deep-fried insects, chickens in rattan baskets, and even whole pigs tied to the handle bars. As we entered the temple complex monkeys would run out from the forest and into the road attempting to get our attention. I’d gaze out into little clearings in the trees and spot a number of makeshift shrines with buddha statues of all sizes amid tall grass and trees. It was enchanting, and already my childhood daydreams had come true.

Stone Carvings at the Temples of Angkor Wat

The complex of temples and ruins in Siem Reap is massive, consisting of 20+ square miles of ancient ruins spread out in different areas connected by a system of ancient and modern roads. After getting my 3-day “all you can wander” pass, we headed off to the first (and most renowned) temple complex – Angkor Wat. We locked our bikes together just outside the entrance and off we went wandering around by foot. As I stared out over the moat while crossing an ancient stone foot bridge my mouth dropped in awe. History and daydreams came alive before my eyes. We spent several hours making our way through this incredible temple complex. Tucked away in little nooks and crannies were the most ornate stone carvings of buddhist and hindu figures. Occasionally we’d come across a giant stone buddha statue adorned in yellow garment with gold and green decor, giving the statue a distinct aura.

After several hours of wandering around, clouds began to roll over the skies and before I knew it, rain was pouring down from the heavens. This was a moment I wanted to savour forever. I found a spot on the cold stone temple floor and laid down for a rest. There I was, in the middle of the temples of Angkor Wat, taking a moment of solitude as the rain came down and cleaned away any sense of worry. I watched the raindrops soothe as the journeyed into the porous ancient stone that surrounded me. The music of the afternoon rain soothed my mind. Life suddenly came into perspective and my heart was at peace. This very moment, now a memory of an experience lived, was one I had never dreamed of. The simple beauty of a surprise.

Entrance of the Ancient Temples of Bayon

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Seasons of Change & Liberation

2 Oct

The past week has been a whirlwind. The seasons collide and Fall is upon us. At this very moment the stars align and bring forward an opportunity for change in my own life. Sometimes I don’t know exactly what the catalyst is, perhaps its all of the energies coming into one at a particular moment and it ignites a signal that now is the time for change. Change is an opportunity. But its also incredibly frightening. You can feel like your whole life has been turned upside down. Or better yet, that you just made a decision that brought forward a change and deliberately turned your own life upside down. In a nut shell that was what this week was for me.

The change occurring in my life is on the professional side of life, which for me is wrapped-up in my personal emotions and purpose in life. My “career” is one that I’ve created… its synonymous with my last blog post. In building my career and business, I’ve built my own life in the process. It is all so deeply intertwined. I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life building and nurturing a business and a couple of organizations. I’ve poured my sweat, love, and tears into building these institutions. It has been incredibly challenging, exhilarating, gratifying, and disheartening all at the same time. There have been many moments along the road where I’ve stopped and looked within and found that my own personal well was empty. That I’d given so much in the process that there was nothing left to me. I’ve lost balance many times along the way, and forced myself to take the time to replenish my well, regain strength, and carry on. Each of these organizations, with all their beauties & flaws, are a reflection of many things I am passionate about in life. They are in and of themselves catalysts of social change in varying forms.

There have been so many “signs” that this has been coming, but I really had no idea when I would get up the courage to make it happen. In December of last year, I travelled home to Costa Rica for a weekend. It was the Reunion for my graduate school, the United Nations-mandated University for Peace. Despite being incredibly busy with work, I knew I needed to make the trip. Here I met a lovely colleague, we connected and talked for quite a while. She shared with me that I am in the midst of my “Saturn Return” and that it was a time of major change in my life and that it was going to be difficult but that it would work out for the better. Facinating… First of all, I really had no idea what “Saturn Return” even meant until I got back home and researched it on the web. I had put this moment out of sight out of mind until last week, when it came charging into my life. I just knew, my gut instinct, that this is the moment to make the change.

For over a year, I’ve been feeling a lack of professional growth. Sure, I continue to learn new things everyday. I talk to our management team about it and we tried to make changes & concessions several times over. But I’ve continued to feel incredibly stuck in a position that forces me to fill roles and responsibilities that don’t draw on my strengths. Yes, I CAN do all these things, I’ve learned to do them out of necessity. I’ve tried (for years) to grow to like to do these things, but I’ve also grown into my own potential and with each passing day finding myself less and less happy in these roles.. I just don’t have time to fill these unsatisfying roles and also capitalize on my strengths by doing the things that derive my energy & passion. I’m constantly battling against time. Do I take 10 hours to work on legal filings? Or, Do I spend those 10 hours charting a vision & implementation strategy for a new program? Both are equally important at all levels. But only one of those things draws on my strengths. Unfortunately, there is only time for one or the other… and well I am never going to get those 10 hours back. This is the same time conundrum I wrote about a couple of months ago. It had turned into an intractable conflict in my life. Yes, there are good days. And I have learned more in the past 7 years than I would have ever learned in a “standard job” over 20 years. I am grateful for all I have learned in the process. But the bottom line is that it had become toxic to me and the only way to make it healthy was to make a change. It was the moment I realized that this is just not working for me. So the decision was mine and I made it.

I made the decision to exit. And I had no idea what it meant for me. Its not like I had my dream job waiting for me when I made the decision. I hadn’t even thought about looking for jobs, I haven’t even updated my resume in over 7 years! The stars aligned and BAM I made a pretty big decision. I found myself empty again, but in a different way (you know as they say in Asia, “same same but different”). Empty as in Taoist empty. Sure I felt scared and vulnerable. I felt incredibly fearful and anxious at first. But the emptiness that came with the decision to make this change has become very liberating. I felt empty – open to all the new possibilities the world has to offer. Free – from the burden of the daunting challenges I faced every day.

Then a good friend who lives all the way in Singapore sent an email that she herself had received from a professional mentor… it was like a 2 page interactive manifesto on the ‘Journey to Self’… it was called “Stop the World I Want to Get Off”. Ah timing can be incredible! If telepathy exists, I swear that it was happening at this very moment. This short manifesto on life reflected the essence of the challenges I need to face & deal with at this very moment in my life. This change in my professional life is reflective of the first step I need to take in overcoming these obstacles to living the real life that is meant for me. That is me… I am the person staring back from the words encapsulated on these 2 pages. I am not ready to go into all of the things that this manifesto on self is about or how it reflects me and how I got to where I am… I’ll save that for a blog post 20 years from now. Bottom line, I am an “over-functioner” to the point that it can become self-destructive. What I know now is that this change I’ve brought about in my life is an opportunity to grow and improve my own life. To take one step forward in becoming less of an “over-functioner” for others and become more of a functioner for myself – to live the balanced & positive life I deserve to live. For me, being “selfish” and making decision based on what is best for me is counter to my nature. My instinct is to make decisions based on what is best for everyone else. So simply making the decision that I did was the first step forward. I don’t think my selfless nature will go away, only now it will be balanced with factoring in my own needs.

So there you have it. Four days ago I made a big decision and I had no idea what it really “meant”. And well, day 4 of its aftermath has brought me to some important self realizations that I otherwise would not have been able to put into perspective and begin growing from. I still don’t know what the future has in store for me. Or where I will be 4 months from now. But I am okay with that for now. I want this transition to go smoothly – and for once in my life – gracefully. I don’t fully know what this change and transition will be, but I know it is the RIGHT thing for me. With that, I conclude this day by making a few promises.

  • I promise that I will take my own needs into consideration in making decisions that commit me to something
  • I promise that I will be more “mentally present” when I am with my husband and family
  • I promise that I will make more time to enjoy life, enjoy the people I love & savor the moments

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Growth, Growing, and Community

10 Sep

Color photo of horizon landscape after the rain

 

Today was one of those days that inspired me to “travel back in time”.  Not literally of course, but mentally.  I had a chance to catch-up with a close friend that I don’t get the opportunity to spend much time with anymore since we live almost 1,000 miles away.   There is something very special about friends who knew you “back then”, who know about the skeletons in your closet, who love you unconditionally, and when you talk its like hardly any time has passed – even if its been a few years or more.  That was today.  And while the conversation and news we shared was not all roses, it reminded me of how grateful I am to have such amazing friends.  We grow apart to grow together in some mysterious way.

It also made me slip back in time and think about the challenges I have faced in my life’s “chapters” thus far – and what growing means to me.   The life I live today is one that I am responsible for, it is the product of my own decision making (good & bad), relentless determination, and hard work.  And I can tell you that I am truly happy with where my life has taken me… though the road has not easy in the least.  I think back to the “chapter of life” called high school and I can’t even begin to express how I never want to go back to those days at any level.  Many people yearn to “go back to the good ol days of high school when they had no worries” – that is not me! For me high school was largely characterized by family conflicts, chronic health issues, and major  financial insecurity.  I recall very clearly just how painful growing was during that time.  The challenges seemed impossible to overcome, and at the time they were.   Those issues aside, you can always find kindred spirits anywhere in the world, and those years also brought some incredible lifelong friendships that I’ll cherish forever.

College on the other hand was a wonderful chapter in my book of life.  I continued to deal with all of the same issues as I had in high school, though they were less pervasive since I was a “few states away” from some of them.  And with each passing year of College I became a little bit more in control of my destiny.  It was empowering.  And in the process I uncovered many of my passions in life.  It wasn’t the physical place of going to college – it was the people, community, and learning (and growing) environment that was such a positive experience for me.  It was exactly what my soul needed to get beyond the dark years of my childhood and learn to follow my heart.  I can’t say enough good things about my experience at Colby-Sawyer College.  It was really the beginning of my life.  The day I graduated, I knew at that moment that I now own this life – and it was up to me what I made of it.  I now had the power to experience both personal failures and successes. It wasn’t that I had “grown-up” – I don’t believe we ever “grow-up” because we should never stop growing.

Then there were all the years, places, communities, and friends in between those great College days and the current chapter in my life.  They too were wonderful, not without their challenges of course.  I spent several years living and working in Costa Rica.  What an incredible experience.  The community I was a part of was so inspiring at many levels.  I also met the wonderful person who is my forever partner in this life.  Then there was grad school at UPEACE – another amazing part of my life.  And another community I am forever grateful for. I have to add here, the “Costa Rica” chapter in my book of life is not finished yet, I’m convinced that we’ll move back there someday in the foreseeable future.

After a few years of living in the land of pura vida, I felt ready & charged to take on the world’s biggest problems – pervasive poverty, injustice, deadly conflicts, environmental degradation, oppressive regimes, domestic apathy & greed.  My mind was spinning and I was determined to solve all of the issues plaguing the world.  Lets stop here for a moment… how the hell did I go from battling a chronic disease in high school to attempt to take on the world?  It’s all a part of the journey through life I suppose.  Then I made the move to Washington DC, and it was a reality check of sorts – I was suddenly a tiny fish in a very big pond.  I had to create a community where there was none.  And I had to find a place to harness my passions, put them to use, and make a living in the process.  All this in a city where success is predicated on “family” connections, which I didn’t have any of.  Now this is when I learned that changing the world begins with bite sized pieces.  I resisted these facts of life.  I was frustrated by how difficult it was to “make change” vis-a-vis public policy.  I came to Washington DC – with utopian ideals for how democracy works.  Oh I had so much to learn yet…

What is the point of this glazed-over monologue of a few years of my life?  There are a bazillion incredible little stories in there that really reveal the essence of life.  This “big picture” gives a reminder of just how valuable growth is.  It may mean something slightly different to each of us and that is a-okay… that is a goal of this blog “vive y deja vivir“.  Life – and growth – is both happy go-lucky and painfully challenging at the same time.  We are constantly growing and changing and should continue to do so as long as we still wake up each day.  I don’t know what life has in store for me, but I do have some good ideas of what I’d like to make of what I see coming along in the journey.  For now I’ll continue to productively harness my passions towards changemaking and allow the universe to work its magic.

There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder.  – Ronald Reagan

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Time – Our Most Precious Commodity

25 Aug

wordle in color for the blog

Lately I’ve been feeling as though there simply isn’t enough time in the day.  Why can’t a day be twice as long?  Okay, yes I get the science behind “time” and that I can’t just change the fundamental structure of the universe.  But I’ve been finding myself in a predicament that its just not humanly possible to be in three places at one time, or answering more than 2 calls and an email all at the same exact same moment.

We’ve all heard the saying, “time is money… invest it wisely”.   I’ve always kept it there in the back of my mind.  And sure, I’ve gotten really busy at work or a major deadline is looming – and there that saying was in the back of my mind to keep me focused & on-point.  But never like it is today, or this week, or next week for that matter.  Lately it’s been like my life is set at overdrive and I have to keep the race car on the track and prevent it from crashing.  Yet, I’m completely challenged by the fact that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do all the things required to keep the race car on the track.  You know what I mean… make the impossible somehow possible.  Most of us have been there at least once.

For those that can’t relate to the race car analogy.  It’s like I’ve been hit with Tsunami wave of stuff requiring my attention – and everyone wants answers & solutions now or 10 minutes ago.  Emails flow in at a rate of 1 per minute.  I’m on a conference call and by the time its over I have 3 voice mails from people that need to be called back, and 20 more emails that need to be answered.  And I’m already 10 minutes late to the next meeting.  The weekend comes… and well my mind is never “quiet” from work.  I need the weekend to think through challenges and come-up with solutions that I can make happen during the week.  Then there are those sacred vacations.  Yes, sacred vacations – when my mind finally goes quiet and starts to dream & live in the beauty of the moment.

I know that I am not the first person to find themselves in this place.  If we can’t figure out how to get more than 24 hours out of a day then how can we do all that we need to do and do it well?  At times, the information flows at a speed that I can’t even filter out whats important and what needs my most immediate attention.  Its not always this “bad”… there are those rare days, once every couple of months, that I can actually spend a whole day working on a paper or a project.  I treasure those days.  Its like a day of peace.  I love it.  On these days I can go for a run in the morning and not feel guilty about it.

In the midst of this major dilemma I am having over time – and my lack of ability to get more than 24 hours out of a day.  I’m finding a lot of my “time” is spent dealing with politics – navigating power & money hungry DC players.  I make my very best attempt to influence things in the background so that the right thing happens for the right reason with not direct benefit to myself personally.  Its a twisted battle of good versus evil, but in this little microcosm that defines my professional life.  Do I really have time for these battles?  No, but I try to pick and choose them wisely.  I’m not always wise though in these decision, I still have a lot to learn.

As I reflect on this conundrum on time, I think about the broader context of how finite time really is.  On Tuesday I felt the grumbling begin and then my office began to shake – it was an earthquake alright.  As I biked home that evening, I stopped at a red light in front of the World Bank building and the sound of their alerting system gave me goosebumps… the sound reverberated through the streets of downtown Washington DC, “There has been a region-wide earthquake, everyone must evacuate the building.”  The World Bank building did not collapse, but this moment meant so much more.  It reminded us (and me) about the fundamental limitations of time.  All this time we invest day-in and day-out in creating & building this “infrastructure”, or however you characterize the fruits of your labour, could somehow become completely meaningless history in a matter of seconds.

I’ve come to the conclusion that time truly is the most precious commodity.  And unlike other commodities, time is the one commodity that you can’t get more of.  I need more days of “peace”, where the information flow & task lists are manageable.  Where my professional life is balanced with my personal needs.  Guess that is my goal for the next 5 years of my life.

Color photo of a musician in Madrid, Spain

I wonder what advice this musician from Madrid would share about time?

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Want to go on a journey?

2 Apr

I’m not always going to take you to paradise, but sometimes I will!  I welcome you to join in my personal journey through life vis-a-vis this blog.

Together we will – Go to gritty little niches in the world.  To blissful paradises. To Pandora-like lands. We will face bitter realities of inequality and injustice.  We will try heavenly new foods.  Endure vast new lands.  And reflect on personal moments of fortitude, desperation, hope and triumph.

It’s a candid and honest reflection of the daily life and dreams of one woman – a global citizen, social entrepreneur, wife, daughter, Washingtonian, artist, companion to 3 cats & 1 dog – and someday a mother.

Learning at each step… how to be a better person, make the world a better place, simply striving to live more gracefully.  I will stumble along the way, trip over my own feet, gets bumps & bruises, pick myself back-up and live another day.

The essence of this journey – Vive y Deja Vivir – Live and to Let Live – The single most important lesson I’ve learned in the thirty years of my life so far.  I am still trying to figure out exactly what it means for you, for me, and for the greater humanity.

I hope you will share with me your reactions, thoughts, convictions, and insights on life throughout this journey.  I want to learn about your perspective – no matter how different from my own.  It’s through your contributions to this blog, that you will help shape the journey, determine the places we go & the things we will do for years to come.  Lets get ready for liftoff!

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